25th May 2012 Friday
I keep forgetting that we can’t do ‘normal’ any more. Our Friday night plan is to go out for a meal and then watch a DVD - The Taming of The Shrew with Liz Taylor and Richard Burton - ( who are they? asks my husband.)
I have a money off voucher for a pizza at Bel Italia but discover it doesn’t apply on Fridays. We go to another restaurant. My husband doesn’t like the location of the table which is squashed in a corner. The manager offers us a free glass of bubbly to compensate. It comes with a long fat loganberry bouncing on the surface. My tomato tart is crisp and sharp with a balsamic dressing. My husband coughs and sneezes and blows his nose all through the meal. The music is so loud and the tables so busy we have to shout to hear each other.
Back home my husband says he needs to lie down. He looks exhausted - keeps taking deep breaths, says he’s tired and stressed. We lie on the bed and I stroke our thin, half shaved pussy cat who got there before us. I feel dislocated - like I’m staring down a tunnel with no light at the end - at a loss of how to do this, how to be with this person who I love, who is changing into someone I don’t recognise.....
After a while I make him cup of tea and he says he’ll come down and watch the DVD in ten minutes.
When he does come it’s too late and we watch the news instead. Pictures of fighting in Beirut where my pregnant neice and her husband live. I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to them.....
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