Snappy and Murderous and Other People's Kindness

In Sidmouth...... and on the way back this afternoon.

All day I have been short tempered, irritable and impatient. Like I used to be when I had hormones  - snappy and murderous. Not just with Robin - with everything.

With the cursor on my computer when it freezes on me.

With people who park their cars badly - like a foot away from the pavement ...at an angle.

With the light in the hall which keeps flickering even though I replaced the bulb.

With the smell of fertiliser on the fields which makes me gag.

With Robin when he says he does't want to go to the loo before I get him dressed. Then he says he does when I have dressed him.  But he doesn't when he gets there.

When he won't try and stand up from the chair.

When he calls me again even though I have already answered him.

When he won't finish a small bowl of food. And I have to throw it away.

When he grinds his teeth all the time in the car.

But mostly I'm cross with myself.

 For my jeans getting tighter...for eating more and more as Robin eats less and less.

For being  impatient. Maybe Robin really can't stand up from the chair on his own any more and I'm just imagining I can feel the dead weight of his resignation in his back.

Maybe he just didn't hear me when I answered him.

How can I forget that it is his illness stealing his strength away.....his concentration....his understanding ...his speech....all of him. None of it his fault.

But I do forget.... and forget to be kind to myself.

But then a dear friend sends me such a lovely email about courage and love. And I know someone is praying for me. And Tati sends me this wonderful photo from her OpenStudio exhibition and then I remember.... to let in other people's kindness....let it forgive me, let it heal my own hardness.