Nourished Tired And A Law

Just photos tonight. Too knackered to write. But nice tired....nourished tired...lovely day....fine grilled asparagus for lunch with my sister...Robin out and about ....cared for with love but not by me....fresh mint tea with a dear friend later..... sun pouring onto the kitchen table.

Already it's the longest day......still light at 9.30pm. And still my bedding plants are waiting to go into pots. How lucky am I that a dear friend has offered to do it for me.

Feel blessed today for my life just as it is.

And some words from The Universe today....

It's the law, that every challenge, fear, or loss you encounter, bears gifts far more valuable than the price of the trouble they cause.

I think it's the Law 123.ILY

The Universe.

Carefree Time

In the garden of a dear friend on Saturday, in a brief burning burst of heat at lunch time while we ate her divine wild mushroom risotto  - especially soft for Robin - and slathered our arms in suncream.  Very shortly later we needed long sleeved jumpers for a cool windy walk by the river at Tipton St John.

A rubbish day today. Traumatised by Robin's ghastly visit to the dentist this morning for a filling. The one I didn't like.  Even though a friend told me about a nice dentist...I still kept the appointment ....didn't listen to my instincts.....if the filling falls out - the dentist said he wouldn't put money on it not falling out - we won't go back.....can't seem to forgive myself for it .....Robin not complaining of any pain though.

Followed by visit to photo booth at post office to get new passport photos. Follow all instructions in booth but Robin looks like a nutter who has just seen a ghost and I look like I have been recently embalmed. Total waste of £10 and will have to try elsewhere - like a person with a camera.

Followed by visit to Knights Hayes Court to fill in time before my appointment at 2.30 pm. Robin's mouth still numb from novacaine but insists on wanting a raspberry fruit crumble with custard. I carry the tray to the table, Robin trips on the cobbled floor, crashes against the chair and lands on the banquette seat next to it, swearing like a trooper, knocking the tray, coffee everywhere. Nice women at  neighbouring table and waitress do mopping up job. Robin says his leg hurts, eats a few mouthfuls of his crumble, leaves his apple juice.  I lose my appetite for  my flapjack, and the will to live. We go back to the car in the spitting rain. Robin says his leg doesn't hurt anymore.

At home I get him into bed just before the nice CPN arrives. My eyes leak a lot and she listens really sympathetically which makes me cry more. She says I need more carefree time. Like a night out. The word has a totally different meaning for me now - time free of caring - not just free time....and not only a dream.... but I could make it real.

When Robin wakes up I give him a green smoothie as he didn't have lunch...and I remember to have one too. Then we drive out again. This time the sun comes out but fortunately it's too late for tea and cake as all the cafes are closed. 

Much much later  I feed Robin a bowl of chopped up butternut squash frittata and avocado salad. It takes me about 5 minutes to eat it and it takes him about 45 minutes. I wash up between mouthfuls and we watch  England playing Slovakia  to pass the time while he chews and swallows.

 He doesn't mention his tooth so I don't either. And maybe I was wrong about the dentist.... but we won't go back there even if the filling doesn't fall out. I wasn't wrong about my intuition just wrong not to listen to it....and maybe not wrong anyway. Just a mistake - a reminder to love myself more not less.

Contents of green smoothie  - all juiced and then whizzed up with avocado and banana and walnuts...

Five Star Respite, Garlic and Summer

Geraniums in the garden this evening after the rain. In my family these flowers are associated with my mother - and the pink variety as well. She always gave us clumps of  them to plant in our gardens where ever we were. I  brought these with us when we moved here from St Albans. They multiply themselves very year.

The riser recliner chair arrives as promised. Robin is quite taken with it. Except he has difficulty pressing and holding down the button to tip him back and chuck him out. My problem with it is that it has a horrible smell -  of someone else's room -  a bit musty  - like the clothes in a charity shop. Fabreeze hasn't worked - possibly made it worse.

This afternoon a friend and I visit a super duper newly built care home not far from us. It's like a five star hotel with restaurants and lounges and gardens, en-suite rooms with profiling beds,  organised activities, nursing and care staff at an unusually high ratio to residents - even at night. It smells of fresh coffee not pee. Everyone we met was friendly and helpful.  You could tell they cared.But most importantly I know that Robin would be properly looked after, never left waiting for someone to come and get him out of bed or wipe his bum or blow his nose.

 They have respite vacancies. I'm thinking about a week. Quite soon. Of course it comes at a cost. But one I'm willing to pay. For the sanity of both of us.

Tonight I wanted the house to smell of garlic and cooking instead of musty chair so I made a cherry tomato and red pepper sauce with this whole bulb of green garlic - a lovely gift from my sister's poly tunnel in the Blackdown Hills.

It made me think of hot summers and hot countries and holidays. Earlier I spoke to my big sister who  has just returned from being a grandma in Sardinia where it was 34 degrees at least every day.  I think about my brother in the shrivelling heat of Fiji....and look out at my cool wet English  garden and wonder when our summer will come.

Bees and Lovely Day

Feasting summer bees and water boatman .

Too tired to write  coherently tonight. 

 Such a lovely day....delving around in the boxes of baby carrots and true spinach and fennel fronds at the farmers' market....coffee  and catch up with dear friends.....a wonderful invitation to a night out - a free ticket to a new restaurant opening  next month - party frock required.....haircut at different hairdresser - local and  cheap..... efficient young woman who consulted me at each stage before she chopped - won't know till tomorrow when I wash it myself but feeling positive.....sit in the sun for half an hour with my book before going to pick up Robin.

 Back home, after Waitrose  and Plants Galore shopping, I move all the furniture around in the sitting room.....making space for loan of riser recliner chair from the MND society for Robin arriving at 8.30 in the morning. Even though he's not keen....

Will return to  burgeoning TO DO list tomorrow....busy as the bees again.

The Dentist and the TO DO List

In the pink.....

A few moments from today....

The dentist who asks Robin to, open your mouth sir,  for the second time, when he can see Robin is struggling to swallow down his saliva, is brusque and almost rude. He seems to be treating  him like a thing not a person. I've already explained Robin's problems but he makes no allowances. He shows me how his front teeth are wobbly because of gum recession. He pokes at a filling and says it must be re-filled. But it will be tricky as it's on the edge between two teeth.

I don't like him and I don't want him to do the filling. We make an appointment anyway. He's a National Health dentist so it is cheaper but I'm thinking about taking him to my dentist instead.  Afterwards we sit under the awning of a street cafe keeping out of the rain and have coffee and brownies. I don't think they will make the gum recession any worse.

This afternoon I have four hours while Robin is out in the care of lovely P A. The rain roars down on the plastic roof, I sit at the kitchen table surrounded by papers, with my computer, the phone, my diary, and a mammoth TO DO list.

These are some of the things I do...

Pay the car insurance - take Robin off the policy as a named driver which makes it cheaper - who knew? 

Try and fill in the gas and electricity meter readings on the Ecotricity website - make a mistake  - put the gas reading in the electricity slot. Have to phone up to correct it.

Cancel the vacuum cleaner insurance - discover  that as the hoover is 10 years old, they'll only pay 30%  for parts or replacement and I've paid more than £500 for the insurance I've never used. And all this time I  thought what I was paying for was a delivery of the vacuum bags once a year. The man on the end of the phone laughs like a drain when I tell him. I think I made  his day.

Arrange for the car to be picked up and delivered for its service and MOT by the Honda garage. I want to use the lovely mechanic I've always used but now I haven't got the time to get myself to and from the garage, be without a car, and get cover for Robin.

Phone our financial advisor about our outgoings and the increased cost of care and possible increase of Robin's benefits so he can work out an income from the pensions. Which needs to start soon.

Make an appointment to visit another care home very near us for Robin  - for respite for me. It looks very salubrious on the website.

What  I can't do - because its raining  - is plant out the fuchsias and petunias and nasturtiums - an unsatisfactory combination that I bought at the garden centre the other day - impossible for me to make decisions about bedding plants in the 15 minutes I had before I had to get back for the cleaner.-  Slugs always eat my petunias so I don't know what I was thinking.

What I notice I don't do right at the end of the list is arrange to have a massage. But I will.