Friday 7 February 2020

A Goodness out of The Robin Years

I'm feeling sad writing this as it's my last blog. As trishcookingcurrie anyway. It's time to stop after nearly ten years.
Not just take a break as I have done many times and returned. 

But I have a reason. Instead of going on with it I'm going back inside it.
Up to now I haven't been able to re-read it - re-visit what I wrote and felt.. ...before Robin's diagnosis ...then living with him and his illness and the impact on us... and then afterwards ...living without him.  Of course I remember it all -  and have added guilt and regret -  but I haven't really let myself know what happened...and I've kept blogging to try and make sense of my life now.

But now I feel that until I really know what happened - and it's all there in my blog in black and white and colour -  and let it enter me  -  the truth and reality of it  - I can't move on with my life. I keep trying to ...changing my house, my home...searching for a place to rest, a person to become, but I'm still stalked by loss and trauma.

Several people, including my father, over the years have suggested that I turn the blog into a book. One which might help other people who have been or are still going through something similar to what I did - caring for Robin through the years of a terminal illness. 
I have always rejected the idea.  There is just too much of it.Thousands of words to edit. And a book? Me?  I'm just not good enough. 
But recently, and thanks to kind and supportive encouragement, I'm beginning to entertain the idea as a possibility. And without any idea about how.
Even if it doesn't get as far as that  - as publishing - I want to do it not only if it could help someone else but because it could help me. To go back deep into that time...to mourn ....to heal ...through the process of reading and editing and  re-writing ...  and to create a goodness out of The Robin Years.
And then let it be.

So I have booked flights to Portugal in March. To my timeshare apartment in the Algarve where I can retreat and immerse myself in this blog ...go back to the beginning ....

and just let myself unravel into whatever arises.
And trust in the goodness.


7 comments:

  1. Trish - this makes me cry and I wish you all the best with your plans. Do get in touch if I can ever help - perhaps through the editor of the village magazine (available in shop or church) who has my contact details. xxx

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  2. Oh thank you so much dear Belinda and for such a kind offer . You have already helped me more than you may know - being there and commenting and encouraging from the very beginning - all those years ago - such a lovely blogging companion - and we have never met! I will certainly be in touch. All the very best to you too. Trish xxx

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  3. Trish - I'm stepping out of line here - but please don't edit the blog - it's perfect as it is, written at the time. You could perhaps write extra stuff now - for yourself or for a possible book, or make comments for yourself on each post, but it would be a tragedy if you changed what you wrote then. It's an important record, and your honesty is so powerful and editing might censor that. (I've been thinking about this ever since I read your post and Frog says I should tell you. So sorry if I'm doing the wrong thing.) xx

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  4. (Am posting this comment for Frog/Sage as he can't sign in at the moment for some reason. B)

    Seem unable to sign in- no idea why. Just wanted to say thank you: The great value of your blog is it was done at the time. Add but make it clear, do not take away. Much love-Sage otherwise known as frog

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  5. Oh dear Belinda and Frog - thank you so much - I have only just seen your comments or I would have replied immediately to reassure you. Not stepping out of line at all and I realise that I didn't make it clear when I wrote edit and re- write. I just mean that there is 6/7 years worth of posts which are too many to publish and I would just read the whole thing and then choose some/ get someone/an editor? to advise me...and yes you are totally right I couldn't re-write it - just proof read it for spelling mistakes etc.I would very much like to talk to you about it...I will email you tomorrow with my contact details. Bless you both - I so appreciate your interest and support. Xxx

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  6. I realise I haven't been here to read your blog for ages and today I wondered how you are in these strange times .. and you aren't here at all .. and I wonder how you are .. if you ever got to the Algarve in March?! I am fairly sure I said (and if I didn't then I thought it) that you should make this blog into a book .. so I love the idea that you might do it. Like Belinda I have never met you (or her) and I have not been such a constant companion .. but I have been reading, intermittently for a good many years now, and I hope you are still ok .. in fact I hope you are better than ok and are indeed creating goodness xx

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  7. Oh, dear Nina, bless you, how lovely to get your message - to be thought of and remembered - and so sorry I didn't see it straight away. I have also read and enjoyed your lovely book-binding and sailing and gardening and life blog over the years till you stopped too.I always think of you when I go to Budleigh....and the pebbles...you said you loved them too...and your parents live there.Yes you were one of the people, like Belinda, who always encouraged me to turn the blog into a book and thank you I'm so grateful for that. I did get to Portugal and I did start reading the "Robin Years" - with lots of tears - but I had to come home after a week.All has been well for me in lockdown...and I have decided to stay here... but I lost the impetus to carry on reading it - till this morning when I woke up with the idea that I could pick it up again....fit it into my ordinary messy life as it is now instead of having the luxury of going on retreat to immerse myself in it.....reminding myself I'm always in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing - even if it doesn't always feel like it! Thank you again so much for your encouragement and kind words and I too hope you are OK in these times of extraordinary change and wish you well and all good things in the coming months.Xx

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