13th December 2012
Tonight, sitting in a wonderful performance of The Messiah with the Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra and in the Festival Chorus, the face of our dear friend beaming down on us, I’m flooded with memories, with tears - the music whisking me back in time to other Christmases......to a younger time when I could never have dreamed that my husband would say to me - “What’s the Messiah?”
But the name doesn’t matter as he’s sitting in the dark next to me loving every note which he knows in his cells. He’s also wincing in pain every time he moves his left leg. I expect the worst - sciatica. I’m not very tolerant of my own pain but even worse with his - sympathetic but annoyed at the same time....how mean is that.
Maybe I’m grumpy because we missed supper and I’m hungry and it’s too late to eat...
Maybe I’m sad because I keep thinking about a saying in a Christmas letter from my dear Uncle who holds a special place in my heart being my father’s only remaining brother. He says he and my aunt often quote it to each other...
What matters most is -
How well did you love?
How well did you live?
How well did you let go?
If I put that in the present tense instead of the past then it's not too late....I could just feel for my husband in his pain and take out my judgements.... now that would be loving and living and letting go well......
Dearest Trish I am sending you both much love. How hard. And how hard. And how loving you are. And how wonderful that the Messiah will still enter and move Robin's heart, and will continue to do so - the name isn't important, nor its genesis or focus, is it? - The words can get in the way of pure experience, after all.
ReplyDeleteMy love to you for this midwinter turning - soon we'll be slowly gliding back towards the light. And a hug to Robin, too.
Roselle xx
Thank you, dear dear Roselle - for reminding me that words can get in the way, as can my longing for a conversation that is not interrupted by explanation, and the feeling heart is mostly the better language of communication. I learn so slowly....so lovely to have you there - I read you often..often late at night....A big hug to you too and anticipating that gliding... Lots of love Trish X
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