18th December 2012
Got a bit scared this morning having coffee with a dear friend whose husband has semantic dementia like mine but he has had it for years and doesn’t speak now or understand very much. She says she is exhausted. She has carers for him in their house and some respite care in a home. She advises me to get our money sorted out and to think about applying for disability living allowance even though we may not need it yet.
I was going to do Christmas baking this afternoon but the sun is shining and I want to be outside. I want to walk with my husband while there is still time, while he knows me and our life. He drives us out to Haldon Forest where we walk along muddy paths lined with fir trees. I ask him if he thinks about his future - if he imagines it - if he’s scared like me.
He says he spent all his life trying to predict and control the future and there is no point now. So he tries to stay in the present. But he does feel a bit lost.
Back home he sleeps for several hours while I mess around in the kitchen with recipes for Christmas gifts. My way of staying in the present, keeping terror at bay in the achingly sweet comfort blanket of melted chocolate, brown sugar and sweetened condensed milk......
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