Tiredness and Ordinariness

17th April 2012 Tuesday

Too tired to write anything elegant tonight. My ordinary, not-doing-very-much day doesn’t justify this kind of weariness. I wonder if there is something going on in the heavens - a sort of energy turmoil in the ether buffeting our psyches...... Or I could just still be knackered after too much socialising for too many consecutive days.

I strip the beds after our weekend visitors. Load the washing machine with towels, stuff the duvets back into their storage bags, put back the ironing board and my rebounder into the room where they usually live, carry my mile high in-trays downstairs again - settling the house back into its habitual disorder.

I start going through all the receipts for my father’s thanksgivings, adding up the cost of lemons and napkins, loaves of bread and sparkling water, remembering the feeling of those days after he died, wanting him back.

Over lunch of grilled salmon, sweet potato, coconut, and white sprouting broccoli squeak, we open our diaries and block out some walking together days, some gallery visiting days, some DIY shopping days - pencilling in intimacy. We decide allotment days are weather dependent as the rain slashes at the patio doors.

Afternoon tea with a dear friend in her cosy sitting room, full of clear light and her kindness. She misses my husband who was her financial advisor, misses his big hugs and his efficiency, his acumen. She explains to him what a Living Will is and what autistic means. He gives her a long laughing hug when we leave.

Later on we aren’t very hungry so he poaches the eggs and I make a pan of chopped ruby chard mixed up with a tin of sweetcorn, lots of garlic and parsley, drizzled with a tahini sauce - an instant supper in ten minutes.

While I'm talking on the phone to my big sister, who has just celebrated the triumph of her ruby wedding anniversary, the pussy cat throws up his supper on the glass topped table in the sitting room. At least this time it wasn’t on the carpet or the bed or a white rug so I don’t have to put the washing machine on again. Something to be grateful for.