24th April 2012 Tuesday
I pull the cushions off the sofa and make a bed on the floor. My husband lies on a blanket next to me. We close our eyes and turn on the voice of Jon Kabat -Zinn who guides us through a Mindfulness Meditation journey starting with the big toe on your left foot and ending with the crown of your head. At one point I remember focussing on my right knee and then diving into oblivion and surfacing when we reach the heart - listening to its pulse briefly before slipping into sleep.
I think it only works if you stay awake but today I have been in a time warp of the past - de-cluttering my study with my wonderful de-clutterer sister. I’m not sure why it’s so tiring letting go of stuff - snuffling around in drawers and boxes, disturbing memories and associations like night badgers unearthing roots and grubs. But making changes, making space where there was stagnation makes me feel clearer, cleaner - letting in the light.
I don’t think I’ll ever write a novel but I may paint some pictures and put them up in place of the old ones - on my new empty walls - which have been waiting for a me to emerge out of the dense undergrowth where I have been sulking.
And I can’t wait to replace my desk chair with the broken arm - thinking I had to put up with it forever - thinking I couldn’t change it - like what I feel about the past.
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