The Scales Are Balanced

It's all about the snow tonight. The poor birds must be shivering.

 Hard to believe that it was like this yesterday afternoon, the light covering of snow nearly all melted

 in the fields and hedgerows on my walk up the hill,

bright but very cold. I stopped for a few minutes to listen to the absolute silence,

which was suddenly broken by the harsh cawing of these two crows in a tree behind me.

It was so good to be walking again after an enforced break....so as not to disturb the wounds in my leg....they ache but no damage done.

This morning at first light....

 a heavy frost, lying in a crunchy icy layer over the grass in the field and in my garden.

The sun quickly disappeared,

and I ventured out for a  coffee with a dear friend and to buy purple sprouting broccoli, leeks, carrots and eggs at the organic farmers' market in Exeter,

which was eerily quiet,

the streets almost deserted,

with a feeling of anticipation....slight anxiety in the air ...people wanting to pack up and get home before the whirlwind of snow blew in which was forecast for the South West this afternoon

.

 I wanted to get home too.... but after a detour to the garden centre to buy more bird supplies...I didn't quite make it and 

I had to sweep out the ashes in the grate - which I was supposed to do yesterday but forgot -  take them to the compost bin at the end of the garden and make several trips to the log pile in the mower garage, all in slashing sleet and biting wind.

 I so longed for Robin to be here and do it all for me... all that strong man stuff he used to do...then I remembered he couldn't carry anything heavier than a plate and then not even that....

I was glad I did it though and loved feeding the fire all night in the sitting room while the snow blew in on the  north wind.

It has settled in a thick icing sugar layer over the bird baths and the pots.

I'm so grateful that I'm not stuck sitting in my car on Telegraph Hill on the A38 or that I have to cancel travel plans for tomorrow.

And this evening, after emailing a dear friend who, like me, is bereaved in the loss of her home, I remembered that  it's totally possible to hold two opposing feelings at the same time....that one doesn't cancel out the other.

I'm so grateful for all the good and wonder in my life

AND,

I'm totally lost and bereft as well.

Sometimes I feel guilty ....to still have so much, to be so blessed  - I have a home ( whatever I feel about it  - I still have somewhere to live) and dearly beloveds all around me....and yet to be so desolate ...seems somehow churlish.

But both are true.

 I'm grateful and I'm unhinged by grief.

 The scales are balanced.

For now.