Who Do I Become....?

Before breakfast I watch Matt Kahn's most recent UTube video. He's an inspiration to me - he teaches 

Whatever arises -love that. 

He says the new spiritual question to replace Who am I? is 

Who do I become when I don't get what I want?

And who do I become when the other person doesn't get what they want?

Today I discovered the answer to that - in spades. All the ugliness of it.

Robin's Wednesday walking group is cancelled at short notice. So I lose my respite but decide to make the best of it. Mistake. 

 Late morning we bake Cherry Shortbread biscuits and Sugar Coated Cinnamon Almonds and then walk into town to do some shopping - his favourite thing. He says he doesn't mind waiting while I try on T-shirts in the Gap sale. But when I want him to try on jackets in M&S to replace the one one he's had for years, too small now, he doesn't want to.

Who do I become? Someone who withdraws their love and approval.

Back home, 2pm, he doesn't want to eat lunch and goes for a sleep. I eat mine in sunshine on the patio and leave his plate on the counter. He wakes up at 4pm says he doesn't want lunch. I want him to eat it before we go to Exmouth.

He wants to eat nuts and popcorn. I say no.

Who do I become?  Someone who is vindictive, angry, controlling and punishing.

I say I don't want to go to Exmouth. He's so upset I agree.

Who do I become? Someone full of rage and resentment.

In Exmouth he wants to go to the One Pound Shop. I want to walk by the sea.

He buys biscuits and an ice cream and says he only wants to do a short walk. We turn round after a few minutes and go back to the car.

Who do I become? Someone full of self hatred and despair. A long way from Home.

Matt would say be honest, don't pretend you aren't these things, thank them, they are your way out, just love them even more.

A step beyond me today.....maybe tomorrow though.