My Yellow Sun

 Feasting in the garden, late afternoon sun yesterday. Only cloud and drizzly rain today.... and chilly.

 For a while this week, and especially after the weekend, I forgot that if I don't care for myself - really take care of my self extremely - as if my life depended on it - then I can't really take care of Robin in a whole hearted way.

Having chunks of time for myself is what I need. When Robin gives me that - knowing he's doing it for me and not for him - that counts as him taking care of me. It only works if I accept it wholeheartedly, without slipping into a guilt trip of  -  it's not fair on him.....I don't really deserve it....an old deep pattern.

After my family constellation yesterday I discovered the colour of my extreme self care is a bright sunny yellow and when I step into it, remember it in my feet and in my breath and in my heart then I can stand true and strong against the pull of self denial and guilt.

 Today, to anchor my self nurturing I took up the advice of dear wise friends who said Wear it! So I bought a long soft shirt the colour of the sun in M&S. And I took my beautiful chiaroscuro of Budleigh Salterton  to the framers and chose a wide gold and ochre flecked frame to embrace it.

And when Robin says,

 I'm not sure I want to go to The Mede in the future,

I say,

Thank you for doing it for me, for taking care of me in this way. Just for now.

And I step into the brightness of my yellow sun.