Thinking about soft furnishings for my room, I pass a rail of long dressing gowns in Marks and Spencer's and bury my fingers in silky faux fur. There are six different colours - I try on three of them, including a purple and a blue but choose this one - the photo doesn't reflect its true colour though, which is more silvery mink than this. In my new resolution to bring softness and luxury into my life - to treat myself first and well - I spend my husband's Christmas gift token on the gown.
It looks and feels like the pelts of small furry animals - but thankfully nothing died to make this garment. Which reflects my desire to be a hibernating bear at the moment. It's been so cold in the house all day with the wind whooshing in through every crack.
I'm realising that this desire for softness in my room is also to remind me about softening my heart.....being soft on myself - like not going out tonight when I'm bone weary and tetherless.
And being soft on my husband when he sits at the table, hitting his head with his palms, trying to stop himself saying the three words that fly out of his mouth again and again in the high shrill voice of a person he doesn't recognise any more.
I want to wrap us up in my silky mink gown so we can't hear the silly voices....so the shriek of their pain won't penetrate....again and again and again.
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