Hell Included

These wonderful owls  -  a little owl, a long eared African owl, a tawny owl and a barn owl belonged to a man who loved them and shared their silky softness and quietness with the crowds at Saltram House near Plymouth on Sunday. Children stopped and stroked them....he answered questions about them and most of the time the big white faced barn owl sat on his shoulder and nuzzled  his ear and didn't really like it when he put it down for the photos.

They were the highlight of my day - the rest of it I spent in a foul mood walking or rather marching along the muddy boundary path by the estuary of the River Pym, circling the gardens of Saltram House with my husband trying to keep up with me. We were on the wrong path - the one I wanted to be on was inside the gardens which would have taken me to a rare specimen of rose - a Green Rose which  I was told was flowering that day near the orangery. I wanted to see it with an unbearable, an unfathomable longing.....every step on the wrong path taking me further and further away.

In the end it was too late and I never found it.....afterwards I noticed how I missed the desolate raw beauty of the river we were walking past, how cross I was with my husband when it wasn't his fault, how much I didn't want to be where I was  - chasing what I thought I wanted instead. And the agony of being in hell and thinking it's not that bad really.....

Today was the 3rd Anniversary of my father's passing. My sister and I took these primroses to the graveside.....we didn't stay long in the drizzling rain and know he would have done the same - gone and had a cup of tea and a flapjack in a warm and dry cafe. We remembered him, talked about him..... and also about tomorrow and the life in front of us...the path we are on now - my hell included.