Unsettled

Hellibore bud in garden pot

My husband's very first garden sculpture

Winter wonderland at my sister's farm in the Blackdown Hills, photo by Jane Clitheroe

23rd January 2013

A snowfall in the night. Not enough to make a snowman though.

We walk through sleet and slushy pavements to our appointment at Age UK for our benefits review. We sit in a tiny cupboard-sized office with a friendly volunteer. When my husband crosses his long legs his shoe nearly grazes her knee. It’s clear after a few seconds that my questions are mostly financial and she doesn’t cover the areas we need information about. I want to know things like if we should separate our bank accounts. She does give us the name of a tax expert there who comes in on a Monday.

I feel unsettled by the weather. It snows lightly on and off all day turning to sleet and rain this afternoon. The house smells of very hot cotton from the sheets and pillow cases drying on all the radiators. I find myself standing at the windows in the kitchen watching the sparrows and blue tits scrabbling at the wire feeders in the apple tree. Or cleaning the kettle. Or opening kitchen cupboards hoping I hid a bar of chocolate at Christmas that I forgot about. My to-do list might as well be a mirage in the desert that I’ll never reach.

We have deep bowls of coconut curried soup from last night’s leftover veggies and rice scattered with toasted sunflower seeds. I don’t want to cook now so I’ve made a bargain with my husband. I said I’d do the sticky debris of the washing up - which he usually does without complaint - if he goes out into the sleety night and buys us fish and chips. 

He has agreed - the wonderful man....