1st January 2013
A whole new year unfurling on my horizon - a field already ploughed but not planted. Feeling daunted by the vastness of it..... this early darkness still....feel I need to take little runs at this year, with big boots on to muffle the sound of crunching on icy furrows....
This morning I still feel queasy from last night’s excess of take-away haddock and chips and left over date pudding, swimming in toffee sauce, and chocolates by the handful, as we wait for Big Ben to strike the hour on the telly and bring in 2013.
My husband drives us to B&Q to return the wrong light bulbs we bought for the new light fitting in our bedroom. He starts to take us to TKMAXX instead - names consisting of letters with no pictures always confuse him. He asks me what I think about the man who came to fix the ceiling lights in the kitchen this morning. Our electrician who we have known for nine years. He didn’t recognise him, which I expected, but he didn’t remember him either which is a first.....and he couldn’t understand his lovely Devon accent which he used to be able to...or words like lead flashing and chimney.
When we come out of B&Q there is a full rainbow in a slate grey sky and the sun blinding us. Later we walk in the forest where a few weeks ago I collected fir tree branches from the ground to decorate the mantlepieces for Christmas.Which feels like another century ago. The paths are clotted with children on bikes and couples with dogs and people chatting in groups. After a while I ask my husband not to say Happy New Year to everyone we pass or comment on the lovliness of their dogs as we are making slow progress in the cold shade of the trees. And I don’t want to be sociable. I say a smile is enough.
But it isn’t enough for my husband who needs responses, connections. And then I feel mean and controlling. There may be a time when he won’t be able to say hello to strangers. Or even smile. But I guess I’ll plough that icy furrow when I’m deep in it. Which I wasn’t today.
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