Is It The Right Thing?

11th July 2012 Wednesday

Another Angelic Sherpa -  this time from Age UK Carer Support Team -  sits on the sofa with me for two hours. We pour over the tribunal papers and together compose a letter to my husband’s neurologist and clinical psychologist requesting more medical evidence about semantic dementia but based on what it's really like living with him - not just for an hour in their offices.

I feel hammocked in her wonderful practical generosity. I give her a bottle of my pink elderflower cordial to take home but it doesn’t reflect my true gratitude.

This afternoon the pussy cat sits peacefully on the lap of our lovely animal healer while she works her magic on him. I think about him at the vet’s tomorrow under sedation, a drip in his leg, the chemotherapy pulsing into his little thin body - and I know I can’t bear it for him any more. Our healer says he’s struggling and he doesn’t want it any more either.

At home he eats some big white flakes of our fish and chips take away supper. I write a letter to the vet and say we want to stop his treatment. It’s shredding me though - how can I know it’s the right thing? My heart says it is but what if it means it prolongs his suffering......