Trying to push the river....

I'm in the free fall of this English spring

 tender green

and lime yellow

and 

clean white

growing apace

without asking 

permission.

Imagine being able to blossom because it is 

your nature 

and nothing else will do.

Nothing to halt the beauty of you

being born 

again and again

in each new 

yes.

As it has been  so sunny I  have been sitting in the garden a lot.... often with a cup of tea.... listening to the birds, watching their mating rituals and nest building busyness. 

And thinking and dreaming and wondering how to wait with patience....with trust... instead of fretting and trying to push the river into the sea without the help of the moon.

Pink Bubble

I have been on Right Move. Com for hours....looking at houses....looking for something to fit the long list of criteria that I made this morning... my wish list ...the pink bubble of qualities of life that I want to create in my future home.

It's addictive...just one more house ....the next one might just inspire me....and now my neck is stiff and my brain won't take in anymore...and I love my own house more than anything I've seen... and I need to go to bed.

And trust all is well and all manner of things shall be well.

Flying Away....to Lightness and Beauty...

I sold our house today.

And like this sweet robin soon I will be flying away to build my nest somewhere else. Not to the place I thought. I am grateful to it for showing me what I don't want -  traffic noise and busyness. And what I do want - lightness and beauty and spaciousness and quietness - a place where I could grow into me.

 Grow out of the shade of my life married to Robin which is still woven deeply into these walls and in these rooms and in this garden.

And trust that this future place will find me ...now that I have let go of whatever I needed to... and let the buyers come... the river of apple blossom has started to flow on the breeze.

Today on the Farm

Bleeding heart...

or Dicentra.... or Lamprocapnos spectabilis...

a species of the poppy family native to Siberia, Northern China. So says Wikipedia.

And this one is spectacular. It's in a green glazed pot by the fence when you arrive at my sister and brother-in-law's farm

 in the Blackdown  Hills 

in Somerset.

I was there today to keep an eye on the garden while they are away on holiday on the island of Iona.

I left with a big bag of a huge variety of her salad leaves and herbs which  I shared with a dear friend, who was also home alone tonight. We ate it with roasted beetroot, grilled asparagus, avocado and tomato salad and spring onion and thyme omelette. Among other things we reminisced about Robin and it was good to  laugh about some of the mad things he used to do and say...which weren't all that funny at the time.

 Later we watched a Matt Kahn video about self responsibility and drawing boundaries in relationships and forgiveness...all marvellous stuff and I wanted to take in and remember every word but we were both so tired we agreed to finish watching it another time and get some rest instead.

Which definitely counts as extreme self care.

A River of Apple Blossom

I spent most of our mini heatwave bank holiday in the garden...

relishing the glorious heat and the uninterrupted time to plant up my patio pots 

with little geraniums, begonias, violas and marguerite daisies...time to dither about what to put in each one.

I  always think I buy the 'wrong' bedding - too much of something - this time it's lobelia -  and not enough pink or white or red....and then worry the slugs will eat them all anyway.

And on Sunday I thought I was foolish to buy summer annuals anyway as I don't know if I'll still be here in August....

This sweet robin was my frequent companion ....soothing my indecisiveness....reminding me to breathe... and keep planting the future.

The apple blossom has never been

so beautiful ...so bridal....

so profuse...

unless I just forgot ....and it's like this every year.

I was so thrilled to see this woodpecker on the bird feeder...I think it's the first one ever in the garden....but I may just have forgotten...

maybe it's better to just think everything is new...and for the first time...as if the past didn't happen....or rather that now is more important than the past.

I had all the windows and doors open in the house long into the evening ...as if it was summer already....this bee flew in and landed on the kitchen curtain....mistaking it for nectar.

Today

The first thing I noticed when I came downstairs was this little  robin...flitting about the garden...coming right on to the patio...fearless... close to the house...

picking out bits of material from the homemade compost in my pots...maybe for nest building.

 At 10am I am due to have a follow up conversation with one of the lovely house whisperers who came last month to help me.... and Robin ....release whatever we need to, to clear the energy in the house. Which they did wonderfully but I'm still feeling a lot of tension and pressure around moving, buying and selling.....which isn't flowing 

At 9am the estate agent rang and made an appointment for a couple to come back for a second viewing of the house this afternoon.

And at the end of this day....after my conversation, she did help me to feel much clearer... and after the viewing which is inconclusive ....I have a feeling that I will still be  here in the summer. There is still more work to do about integrating everything that has happened with Robin...still more work to do about what I want to move towards in my future...

And when I feel clear about all that ....selling and finding the right place.... and moving on... will all start to flow. Like a river of apple blossom on the breeze.