...which is infinite which is yes. And Letting Go of Shoes

"The flame of love springs Eternal"

I wanted to spend the day with Robin. I went to look for his grave at Higher Cemetery.  Wasn't sure I would find it. Tuesday felt like a dream. 

I discovered  it was Armistice day and when I got there people were  just leaving a Rememberance service outside the chapel in the cemetery. We were going to have Robin's thanksgiving service there but it was too small.

I didn't bring flowers so I gathered a bunch of autumn leaves from under all the glorious trees surrounding his grave in the Edwardian section and left them on the  fresh red earth covering him. There were little dog footprints all across the top.

Robin loved walking through this cemetery. A perfect resting place for him now.

 It still all feels totally surreal to me. The day before the funeral an old friend sent me this poem. It was such a beautiful day today ee cummings could have been writing it for Robin .

thank you god for most this amazing day
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
- e e cummings

I didn't want to go home so I drove to the sea and scrunched across the pebbles at Budleigh Salterton, not escaping the waves which drowned my boots in seconds. 

We came here so often....there isn't a single place in Devon that won't remind me of him. I'll just have to let that wash through me, let it soak into this new fabric of my life and walk with wet boots for a while....till I stop listening for his footsteps beside me.

Earlier today I emptied the shoe racks,  Robin has more shoes than me....like his father he didn't see the need for new shoes  - it  was only because I insisted - but  he  still wouldn't let me  get rid of the old ones.

   I tied the laces together so they stayed in their pairs, put rubber bands round the slippers, stuffed them all into black bags and took them to the big recycling bins at Morrisons. And I kept thinking how someone, somewhere would like them....since he doesn't need them any more.

 But I noticed I was holding my breath as I let go of each pair, dropping them into the  metal maw of the bin.