Returning To Earth.....and Felled Again

This morning I bring his flowers home.  I lay them on the kitchen sink first to water them - to keep them alive a bit longer. They rest under the draining rack where all the cups I washed up this morning are stacked. They are the cups we used yesterday when my kitchen was packed and buzzing with conversation -  all his family and mine gathered there.....drinking coffee and eating my sesame cheese biscuits and coconut flapjacks.....waiting for him to arrive in the back of the hearse.

Did I really follow his body in his beautiful green willow coffin,  through the streets of Exeter....driven by my guardian angel nephew accompanied by his sweet wife and young son in the back? The convoy of  family behind  us.

Did those wonderful six strong men and true really carry him high on their shoulders...leading the way to that deep resting place in the red earth?

Did I see that carpet of golden bronze leaves lining the bottom of the grave before they lowered him, slowly, gently down?

Did she say, our dear Celebrant friend, after that sprinkling of earth, that benediction of soil,

Now you can  say your goodbyes in your own way? 

 And how did I not fall in, swaying on the edge of his grave, my legs gone to jelly, the red rose to throw, frozen in my hand?

Because they surged from behind me, the arms of family, holding me up, till finally I could let go of my goodbye rose, perfumed petals blessing green wicker.... both returning to earth.

All day I thought I was managing well...the cleaner came...coffee with dear friend who hosted us yesterday in her beautiful home....struck by the unfamiliar  sensation of having unrestricted time - not having to arrange a funeral any more.....shopping at Waitrose  - avocado and thank you cards....still forgetting to buy dental floss......putting on a load of washing....falling asleep till 7pm...trying to feel normal when nothing is normal.

It's as of my body cells have a mind of their own....they remember when I'm least expecting it....and  tonight I find myself felled again..... howling on the kitchen floor....and I was only making scrambled eggs. I did save the toast though....but it tasted like dust.