I'm totally thrown. My Blogger page won't let me 'insert images' as I always do. So I'm going to try another way of posting photos. I don't like it - unexpected change. My least favourite thing. Happens every day now though. Never catch up with it.
Makes me feel disconnected from myself - always on the edge - heart in mouth - waiting. Just doing the next thing - putting a load of washing on, blowing Robin's nose, putting away last night's dishes. Not thinking about the big stuff.
The unanswerable question all the time in my head - What should I be doing? What's the priority? I never know. So I just bumble on. I can hear Robin waking up. So the next thing is to shower him.
Have I got time to make supper? At least think about it. Better go and open the fridge and make another decision - one of a thousand I make every day - never knowing if it's the right one. Even though somewhere inside me I know there aren't any right or wrong decisions - mostly it all just feels wrong and I'm lost in the weight of the burden.
Later - all done. Decisions made anyway. Spinach and ricotta tortellini for supper. Lovely note from my sister about how to prioritise the changes in the dining room to make it into a bedroom. All on paper in black and white - clear and numbered and ordered. Replacing the foggy grey cloud in my head. How lucky am I?
On Saturday we visited some dear friends who have recently moved to Cornwall. These amazing chequer board shortbread biscuits made by our hostess. My mind boggles when I try and work out the maths or rather the geometry of how she did it.
Their lovely dog wouldn't leave Robin's side - lay on his feet while we had tea. As if she knew everything, accepted everything with her deep brown eyes. A huge unconditional love.
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