I was planning to get lots done this week while Robin is in hospital.
Buy geraniums and pansies and plant up the patio pots....
Start taming the wildness of the neglected garden....
in this beautiful weather.
But I find myself dazed....paralysed in the headlights of my 'freedom'.
This morning I come to a full stop after an emotional session with my family constellation counsellor. I asked the question of the I-Ching Tarot Cards,
What should I be doing in these few respite days?
The answer came back very clearly in the Contemplation Card,
Let go of all activity, of old ways of being...contemplate the quietness ...be the gap between the in-breath and the out-breath.
In my case the old way of being is to respond to the pull of anyone who needs me and give my
self away till I'm hollow and empty.
Right now it's Robin. And I don't know how to nourish myself while I'm on the desperate mission to somehow keep him alive.
In my head I know that's impossible and not my job. But because I've always done it - since I believed it was my job to look after my mother - even as a child - I'm at a loss as to how to do anything else.
Except now the price is me. And since Robin's illness now is my chance to learn to love myself and so love him, love us all, without starving myself in the process.
So this afternoon I sit in the garden and read my book in the sunshine and contemplate the daisies growing in the lawn without jumping up to cut the grass, or prune the honeysuckle.
Drip feeding myself with love while Robin lies in the hospital with another kind of drip filtering into his veins. Anti-bodies in a serum to stop his body attacking itself. If that's what it's doing.
At least I can keep myself alive with my drip. The only thing I need to do. And trust that the great nourishing stream that is love is forever and always just a a breath away.
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