Please God

 A  warm blue and yellow spring. Although we had a brief hail storm this afternoon -  a rattling racket on the plastic roof of the kitchen.

I wanted to make the phone call before Robin woke up this morning. I'm waiting to be connected to the DWP - Dept of Work and Pensions.To apply for a higher level of Disability Allowance for Robin. I have a magic form signed by the GP - a special measures form - for people with a terminal illness. It speeds everything up.

I hear Robin getting up and going to the loo. The woman on the end of the phone starts asking me questions.  In a very official way. I'm close to tears the whole time. She says it'll take about 15 minutes. Robin calls me from upstairs. I say I have to go and wipe his bum. She says no problem -  Take your time I'm not going anywhere.

I tell Robin I can't shave him yet as I'm still on the phone. He says he'll play on the computer which is just what I need him to do. So I can concentrate on the answers like, How far can he walk without difficulty - the length of 3 buses or only one?

Later on when I say to my friend on the phone that I feel numb and can't feel anything she says it's because I'm probably at the beginning of a  new grief cycle - disbelief, denial  etc.  I'm not sure what the other stages are but I think anger is in there somewhere and acceptance comes at the end.

This evening I jump right into the anger stage - my own personal hail storm.  A tiny thing -  but I'm enraged by not having what I want when I want it.  Robin wants something else - so we have deadlock. Usually I let it go. But not today. I do that childish bargaining/blaming/ranting thing - fortunately in my head.

I do all this for you all bloody day. Why can't you do one tiny thing for me just this once? It's only 10 minutes. 

I don't know if he can't -  because of his illness -  or he won't. 

Anyway he doesn't. And that's that. He says he's really sorry but I'm left to boil over uselessly. Knowing I'm  only hurting myself.  That horrible feeling of powerlessness. Of being angry with someone who depends on you. I want to  use my power and say I won't help you if you won't help me. But I can't say I won't take his shoes off or leave him there in his coat just because he won't have supper when I want it. Impossible and mean.

And how can I be angry with him when he has a terminal illness?  It feels unforgivable. I lose my appetite for supper anyway. Don't know where that fits in the grief cycle.

 I know that the thing that's missing in all this is perspective. And kindness. To me and to him.  I know it's there somewhere. I'm just trusting I'll feel it tomorrow....and my hard heart will soften again. Please God.