Driving Falling Crying

I loved the purring of these rescued chickens waking me up every morning at The House Of Bread where we were staying near Coleford in the Forest of Dean.

Robin woke earlier and earlier. Before I finished dressing. I learnt to shave him. I've only ever shaved legs before so I'm not great at chins yet. Every day we drove further and further afield. I abandoned  visits to  areas of  outstanding natural beauty as walking rough ground is no longer an option. Robin prefers streets and shopping and churches anyway.

 First day -  Monmouth  - our nearest big town - famous boys' school,

 where all the signs are in English and Welsh.

 And Abergavenny - first trip into Wales. Ate in the wrong cafe - skinny dry chewy brownie - inedible.   Afterwards spotted gorgeous home made cakes in window of cafe next door - too late.

Evening drive to Symmonds Yat

and beyond.

Next day - Gloucester.

Down memory lane - stumbled on this old pub which I frequented in my early mis-spent youth when it was a Bernie Inn. My oldest schoolfriend used to waitress there. I learnt to smoke and drink Irish coffee and fell for a young man who made eyes at me....

The Cathedral...

From Gloucester to Ledbury for lunch... excellent baked potato and ratatouille.....

and back, stopping to catch late sunshine over the River Severn.

Next day  -  Tewkesbury - new leaves on giant beech tree in the grounds of

 the  Abbey.

On to Cheltenham for lunch - very good superfood salad in the Slug and Lettuce.

On the way home next day we call in to visit my cousin's partner. Nearly a year since he died.

She gives us coffee and delicious walnut cake. We talk of loss and loneliness and keeping on keeping on. Robin wanders around their wild garden bursting with blossom and new growth. Then sits on the sofa and keeps nudging me that he wants to leave.

Walking around  all those new or familiar places Robin stays upright and doesn't trip or fall once.

Last night at nearly midnight I hear a terrible crash and a shout. I find him lying on the carpet on the narrow landing between the bathroom and the bedroom. His electric toothbrush and one slipper beside him. He's on his left side his arm trapped underneath him. I manage to haul him into a sitting position and then push and slide him to the top of the two steps outside the bathroom where he can rock himself forward and up. He's shocked and shaken but I can see nothing is broken.

I lie awake a long time and think of ways to adapt  the house to make it safe for him. This morning I make an appointment with a man to come on Friday to look at fitting a stairlift.

 I cry on the phone to my friend. I cancel my cranial therapy appointment. I cry on the phone to my sister. I cry with relief when the lovely V comes to take Robin out for 2 hours. It's the first time for 6 days that he's been out of my orbit.

 When the speech and language therapist visits  this afternoon I ask her about the changes in Robin's speaking and why it is so nasal. And what if he can't swallow or eat. She says there are ways to help him - like a tube into his stomach. I cry then and she gives me hug. 

I've had such lovely messages and phone calls and emails today from people with their own troubles and pain. I'm blown away by such thoughtful kindnesses in all this awfulness  - makes me cry with gratitude.