It Will Never Be Over

Beautiful sun-touched camellia gracing our friends' secluded patio garden 

in London. The tree, in a large pot, dripping blossom, is 27 years old.

This one also in a pot, loving the shelter and the sun.

Our friends gave us these wonderful home grown walnuts

to take back - a gift passed on from one of their friends.

They are fresh and sweet - almost coffee flavoured. They remind me of the ones we had in New Zealand  picked straight from a tree growing by the chalet cottage we were renting near Cromwell in the centre of South Island - some of my favourite memories are from the week we spent there.

Don't know what to say tonight so just a few sentences from my day.

My lovely coach says But it will never be over when I talk about how I'm always waiting for it to be over. It being anything I'm struggling with.

I'm always saying to myself, 

When this is over, this day, this pain, this hour, it'll all be OK. 

If I just get through this then it'll all be OK.

I'll just grit my teeth and hold on,, then I can go home....read my book...go to bed...

I can survive anything so long as I know it'll be over soon....some day.

Which is how I miss my life - waiting for it to be over. Forgetting it's already all OK. I don't have to like it. Just keep loving the one who wants it all to be over. And of course my circumstances will always change but I take myself with me wherever I go - can't escape that one.

Robin says he wants to be a vegetarian for a few weeks at least. Tonight I make a version of a Cranks recipe for savoury flapjack with grated carrot and cheddar cheese and oats, loads of seeds and spring onions, bound together with beaten eggs. 

 The nice speech and language therapist came on Monday and left a list of foods to avoid to help prevent coughing or choking. Every single thing on it is what we eat -  fibrous vegetables, fruit with skins on, nuts and whole grains.

I'm not going to give Robin pureed foods and he doesn't really like soup, so instead I just chop everything up into very small pieces and have lots of dressing or sauce to stick it together and make it go down easily.

I have to keep a swallowing diary for him for a week and so far it's working, Small spoonfuls, small pieces, still real food.A bit of coughing sometimes but no choking. 

So it's not over yet.