You Are Safe....

Wonderful variety of Hydrangeas at the Sub-Tropical Gardens at Abbotsbury on the Jurassic coast in Dorset, which we visited on Saturday.

View of the long  peninsular stretch of Chesil Beach from the top of the gardens -  left towards Weymouth.....

and right towards Bridport.

Rain swept in this morning on a cool wind  - breaking my feeling of a lingering, hot, barefoot summer.  This evening I close the window in my study which has been permanently open, and change my flip-flops for socks.

Bad dreams in the night - something about our builder shouting and swearing at me ( he's a lovely mild mannered man who wouldn't do that in real life).....so probably attacking myself somehow...

I find every yoga pose, every twist and balance, really demanding in the class this morning and it's a huge relief to rest in the heap of the child pose at the end. Last week a friend said she felt my energy was thin....maybe that's why I find it hard to keep myself upright at the moment....keep myself going with a shrinking centre.

Tea and talk after the class -  under a wide umbrella in a fabulous, flowering terrace garden  - restores me a little. 

When I arrive home from yoga my husband is asleep, after his walk with a friend this morning. I start making lunch - pile up our plates with a left-over pea and pecan nut rice salad from yesterday's Course in Miracles picnic in a sunny, windy field under a sail awning, next to a yurt.....with a glorious view of Devon-in-summer all around us.

Ingenious log fire - heating rice for picnic lunch...

 and view of East Down from inside the Yurt.

While my husband sleeps on I wash and prepare a kilo of red currants - scooting them off their delicate necklace stems between the tines of a fork.

After lunch, with the rain pelting down, my husband goes back to bed and I lie with him while we listen to a soothing, encouraging CD made for him by our intuitive EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) counsellor.

As it's too wet to do any gardening I spend the afternoon at my desk. My husband wakes at 6pm....plays Solitaire on the computer and goes back to bed while I make a roast veggie sausage supper.

Afterwards, he washes up the dishes and before it get's dark, walks down to the allotment to water the tomatoes in the green house and pick the last few asparagus spears.

Are you alright? I ask him later.

He frowns. I'm tired today but I did take the pill.....and I'm sorry I'm messing up your life...

I tell him he isn't - but he doesn't believe me, and goes down to watch the news on TV.

I want to say to him that you can't mess up someone else's life - you can only mess up your own by constant blame and judgement....instead of whispering to yourself all the loving things you wish someone had said to you when you thought you were messing up yours....It's alright....you are safe and loved.... you didn't do anything wrong....and all is well...