No Days Out

View of North Devon coast near Hartland from the field where we ate our picnic - in the strip of shade from the hedgerow - trying to avoid sitting on dry sheep shit.

Looking down on Hartland Quay.

Rose Madder - a parasite cobweb flung over a bush -  a tangled pink net.

Looking south from the top of the cliffs...

 Flashing Montbretia lining the path..

hot and bright as the day...

Looking back northwards the way we came.

Rustling dry grasses above the sea...memories of our honeymoon in Greece...

Don't want to write tonight - headache from the heat, from eating too much Sicilian Lemon Curd Ice cream on the sofa, from crying in the bath.

The blue sky photos only tell a part of the picture. A day out with my husband. A picnic on a beautiful summer's day by the sea. A walk along the cliffs with views to break your heart. Devon ice cream cone on the way home. ....romantic, idyllic, fun.

Except it isn't - not today......I want it to fit my pictures but nothing matches....nothing worse than a picnic packed  up in the back of the car, getting hungrier and hungrier, driving on and on beyond the place you thought was ideal and it's a scorching beach packed with holidaymakers..... and you can't find anywhere to park or stop.... not a single spot of shade in sight along winding narrow lanes....and you need the loo...

Nothing worse than longing to walk along the cliffs, to get out of the hot car at last and my husband saying he only wants to do a very short walk....and I insist on at least half an hour .... and it's too hot and his leg hurts and he's miserable...and I hate myself....and  so I miss the glory of a summer's day by the sea.

None of all that matters really - it's not about what happened today....it's that I have been clinging on to something - thinking it was a  magic solution - at least a small way to try and make my husband happy sometimes - to have days out together.

When I choose them they don't always work....he doesn't like where I choose....he doesn't enjoy walking anymore. When I ask him to choose he says he can't. He feels incompetent. He doesn't know what the places are when he looks at the map. He wants to go somewhere he hasn't been before but he doesn't know where that is.

I feel  stuck....at a loss....caught up in a tangled net of rose madder....don't know how to let him go....let  him slip through my fingers...let him take the shortest walk he wants....or no walk at all...and  be peaceful with that... I just can't do that right now... can't face all his empty hours with no days out to fill them...