1st November 2012
After our Deeksha meditation this evening we all sit round in a circle with cups of tea and delicious fruit cake. I’m astonished when my husband talks fluently and coherently about the state of the economy, the stock market, the banks. It was his area of expertise. He knows all the people in the group but not all their names and it’s a safe familiar place. But he has no recollection of giving a lecture to a churchful of people a few years ago about his beliefs about money. And when we all start talking about crop circles he has no idea what they are so the conversation passes him by completely.....one moment he’s in the light and the next he’s in the dark....shut down by a word which has lost its meaning...
I’ve been thinking about this blog....notice I’ve started to whinge a bit.....complain about my lot......my father once wrote to me that he saw pain but no self pity in my blog.....so I suppose I feel I’m somehow letting him down now by feeling sorry for myself.....poor me - husband with a brain disease and sick pussy cat peeing everywhere. Don’t know how to say it really - except that tonight I hate everything, I don’t want it to be like this and no matter how much I tell myself that it won’t change till I accept that this is how my life is now, I can’t or rather I won’t do it.....that old familiar phrase - What you resist, persits - feels like my motto.
But because I still want my father to be proud of me - however mad that sounds - I’m going to find a way through - even if it means I have to risk whingeing all the way to surrender, and someone else has to read it.....
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