A Night and Day Away

My great-niece, nearly two years old, playing on the slide in her grandparent's garden in Luton. The game is to climb to the top step with a piece of plastic fruit, let it go rolling down, then slide down after it with shrieks of laughter, grab another piece of fruit from Grandma and do it again  - oh yes and climb inside the slide on the way up, peer through the frame, grin at me and say, Hello! before backing out and up the steps again. She can't quite say my name yet but you just can't help smiling at her sweet pixie face.... the way she looks at you with her bright serious dark eyes.

Making play dough with her Mama. When they make it in Beirut, where they live, she colours it yellow but in the absence of food colouring we grate in orange zest and flavour it with almond essence - but obviously not meant for eating. It's just flour and salt, hot water, oil and cream of tartar but it has the smoothest, silkiest texture - perfect for rolling out and cutting into stars and hearts - which she does on a tray on the sitting room floor. I was thinking  I might make some to knead over and over in my hands as a butter soft stress-release ball......

I couldn't resist snapping this colour co-ordinated washing on the line next door....

Later my niece and I leave her  sweet daughter playing on another slide in Stockwood Park..... in the tender loving care of my big sister ......and she treats me to a wonderful afternoon tea....

with colour co-ordinated salmon, egg and cucumber sandwiches, pillowy light scones, strawberry jam and clotted cream and these teatime one mouthful fancies which we cut in half to share,

at this elegant mansion hotel just round the corner from the park- Luton Hoo - garden designed by Capability Brown - if I remember rightly.  For over an hour, over our silver tea pots and fine china cups, we talk food and writing  - a glorious writer  herself, she set me on the blogging road all those years ago -  I feel completely spoiled and blessed....and totally stuffed.....

When I get home after my night and day away in Luton I ask my husband what he had for lunch and supper - I left the fridge full of food - he says cheese and chilli crisps  - and bananas and bacon -  his version of French Toast without the eggy bread bit....and I suspect quite a few biscuits. He's very pleased to see me.

Sinking Sand

First photo taken with my new Lumix camera which has a 

better zoom and lots more settings....and lots to learn. So my photos may be a bit experimentally rubbish  for a while. Or I may just stay with point and shoot and hope for the best which is mostly what I do now, relying on the Leica lens which is so sensitive...

Layers of sweetness at The Old Mill Bakery in Lyme Regis on Saturday. Sticky Toffee Apricot Cake and Courgette, Lemon Pistachio Cake  - which was my favourite  - although both were 'exceedingly good' as Mr Kipling used to say in the 1960s or a very long time ago anyway.

She's one of Tati's - on top of a very long totem pole in her garden.  Her expression/stance says to me, 

 I made it up here all by myself so don't mess with me now.

Today, on a benign blue September morning, in a the attic of a long spacious barn, in the safe hands of a loving wise woman, with only sheep in the field to hear me, I say the unsayable, I think the unthinkable and shout it all with my closed fists into a big white cushion - staining it with mascara and all the trapped taboos and ancestral rules of my life.

I leave feeling lighter, unburdened, and with a sore throat and aching arms.

This afternoon my husband and I walk along the sea front at Sidmouth in dazzling heat, eating ginormous mango yoghurt and black cherry ice creams. And my earlier relief and clarity and hopefulness disappear like sinking sand as I listen to his voice and hear only my own resistance  - held fast in the tight darkness of my fist.

Till much later I read these words from Matt Kahn and feel the balm of their truth.

Featured Teaching

by Matt Kahn 

When it's not against the rules to be hurt, heartbroken, or irritated by the unconsciousness of others, you'll be surprised to notice how less often unconsciousness triggers you. As long as your goal is to not be triggered, you are unknowingly moving away from your true nature of innocent vulnerability. When this occurs, you are bound to discover more tumultuous circumstances to blame for the reactions that no one was ever born to control. 

No matter how desperately you attempt to control your experience, you are bound to recognize the fact that a spiritual journey has nothing to do with living a triggered-free existence. Instead, it is an inward journey home that is fueled by how willing you are to recognize each precious reaction, as an opportunity to love in yourself what is being transformed throughout the hearts of all.  

Upside Down Jam and Heart of Wonder

Yesterday my sister and I picked this glorious bounty from her vegetable garden - for me to take home. She and my brother-in-law are in the air right now on their way to Boston  - the beginning of their 5 week semi-round the world trip. So I'm keeping an eye on their house and garden and get the wonderful benefit of as many of the raspberries and kale and borlotti beans and cucumbers I can pick. And there's a cornucopia of them.... lucky me.

This afternoon I drizzle these figs with honey and lemon juice and 

roast them till they are burnished tender amethysts and their juices run red as rubies.

The Victoria plums are destined for jam but when I fill the bottles the small halved fruits rise to the top leaving the clear pinky amber syrup below.

I remember reading somewhere that turning the bottles upside down brings the fruit and the jam back together. But I think it has just made the lids sticky in my case. It does taste wonderfully perfumed and plummy though.

Saturday was the start of Devon Open Studios fortnight when 200 artists all over Devon open their homes and studios to exhibit their work to the public.  It was also the start of a gorgeous Indian summer. We drove out to Ashburton on Dartmoor in a lovely 23 degrees heat to view some of Tati Dennehy's amazing sculptures dotted all around her fairy grove garden - in the trees, in the pond, in the undergrowth, in the flower beds. She has been a huge inspiration and support to my husband who has been attending her classes for many years. He calls her a genius. I agree with him - a genius with an angel's heart of wonder.

 You can check out Tati's work Here.http://www.tatidennehy.com/index.aspx

Poisoned Chalice

I cut this  single rambling rose this morning - it has a fabulous scent. I haven't been able to pick any of the others all summer as they have been way out of reach - dancing in the sky above the fence. This afternoon our gardener pruned the whole exuberant mass down to it's core -  so no more buds till next year.

My husband brings home a few late sweet peas from the allotment.

I put them in a vase with a rescued rose bud and some purple buddlia flowers before the gardener chops up the 20 foot branches and ties them up into long straggly  bundles for my husband to take to the recycling dump tomorrow.

This quote comes from Shift Happens -  Daily Inspiration by Robert Holden.

"When the receiver is ready, the gift appears."

Chuck Spezzano

I'm sure that's true....I'm also thinking that when the receiver isn't ready the gift can feel like a poisoned chalice.

Today I notice that confronting my husband about something we disagree about is about as futile as calling up a friend on a toy telephone and expecting an answer.

I already know confrontation doesn't work and still I open my mouth.... and the words that won't have any effect come spilling out.....and I'm left drowning in the sorrow of my own making - dialling the air.

One day I truly will see my husband's brain disease as a gift - a different one for both of us  - and I will learn to see him as my greatest teacher.

Today wasn't that day.

 

Angels On Patrol

I tried to buy a new camera on ebay this afternoon. My credit card was rejected. Within a minute the phone rang and it was the fraud division of my credit card company wanting to check it was me making the transaction. Just before that I had made a small donation to a charity online and apparently that is the way the frausters work by somehow using the card to pay a tiny amount of money and then trying to buy something much bigger afterwards.

At first it felt like a nuisance and then I felt so grateful that they are protecting me - they have got my back - checking I'm safe - at least my money is.....sort of credit card angels on patrol.

Although they cleared me to do the transaction again and buy the camera, I didn't  - it felt like a warning. So I've decided to go back to the Panasonic shop where I saw exactly the same camera this morning and although it's a bit more expensive, I liked the man who talked me through all the details and he said he'd include a case as well.....

I wish I could remember to call up my angels on patrol - to check I'm safe whenever I'm feeling scared and anxious which is most of the time now. Or maybe they are actually calling me - reminding me I'm already safe inside -  by sending me wonderful earth bound angels who talk to me on the phone, email me, send me love in their thoughts and prayers and hug me back to my true self.

Taking Exquisite Care

I spent this afternoon in the company of my beautiful 7 month old great niece who is an absolute delight - in awe of her curiosity..... her cheerfulness...... her sweetness..... her dexterity...... her joy..... her concentration......  her stillness....her trust...... her knowing when she's bored ....when she's hungry .....when she's tired.....when she's had enough.

It was only an afternoon - wouldn't have missed it for anything -  but I was knackered too.  I don't  know how you do it - all you parents and grandparents out there -  day and night -  taking exquisite care of these precious little people - for all of us. Thank you.

I just read Samantha Reynolds latest poem AWE  - I know she has a baby and a little one....She says it perfectly....and after today I know exactly what she means....

Awe I read an article today about how time slows down when we experience awe  which of course  they suggest in doses of museums icebergs opera if only we could slide inside your world lifting the curtain trapping the light with your little hand how easy you make it look to suspend one moment forever.

A Little Willingness

Some of our apple crop. They look good on the outside. Nearly every single one is stung or bitten by a wriggly creature or an earwig -  burrowing shallow powdery channels through juicy flesh into the core.

The reddest and best at the very top beyond the reach of my husband on his ladder.

This morning we walk by the river Dart on the  Dartington estate with a friend

who I met 44 years ago when I worked at Cranks restaurant at the Cider Press Centre, honing my vegetarian cooking skills...

 On the way to the river we bump into another friend who I haven't seen for at least 40 years. My husband embraces her and says he's allowed to kiss her twice because he has a brain disease....

 in spite of the laughing I feel as tightly rolled up..... as prickly inside..... as these summer wheat fields...

On Sunday we drove to Midsomer Norton to watch my nephew complete his Triathalon Race, arriving just in time as he streaked over the finishing line after a 400m swim, a 25Km bike ride and a 5.5Km cross country run....raising money for the charity Food Bank..... so proud of him.... 

Tonight I sponsor the daughter of a dear friend who's planning to run a marathon - she and some friends made a pact to do it before they reached 30. She's running for a children's cancer charity..... she's having treatment for cancer herself.....I'm so inspired and touched by these young people and the way they are changing and transforming their own and someone else's life with just a little willingness....

I'm always struck by the naked fragility of these leafless crocuses.....

  and I've never seen this variety of Hydrangea before - a tree of giant snowy ice cream cones.....

tinged with raspberry sugar.....

This afternoon I buy two pink plastic food bibs, with pockets at the bottom, called Crumb Catchers, for my baby great niece who I'm going to visit tomorrow with her grandfather - being second support baby sitter -  while her parents are working.

I think we could do with some Crumb Catchers in this house - for the trail of scattered biscuit crumbs I'm always finding on the floor/carpet/desk/kitchen surfaces....

And finally - today I ate a divine Bakewell Slice at Riverford Farm Cafe....I think it was the crisp, buttery, almost shortbread base....and the slightest smear of raspberry jam....and the dense moist almond frangipan.....and the sprinkling of toasted almond slivers that transported me. It was so rich I ate half and wrapped up the other half in a napkin to take home.

As we were leaving I chatted to the woman who served us ( we both worked at Cranks all those years ago) and I said it was the best Bakewell slice I've ever eaten.

Oh, please write that in my book of comments, she said. They'll be so thrilled to know at the bakery.

 Which I did very willingly....

Which reminded me that ...If you think something's good or lovely about someone - don't keep that thought to yourself - let them know....it could make their day.....like the sweet answer phone message someone left me this afternoon....nourishing me even more than a slice of Bakewell Tart....