Resisting Happiness

On Saturday we set out for picnic at Barrington Court ( NT) up the A303 in  Somerset. Seeing the traffic ahead at almost a standstill we took a diversion outside Honiton and ended up at Wolford Chapel set in secluded green glade of peacefulness. Not a soul around to disturb our picnic on a bench in the shade, which seemed to be waiting for us, and us alone. I didn't want to leave this still small oasis of calm.

 

On Sunday we set out with our picnic to visit Compton Castle ( NT) near Paington in South Devon. A  mad idea to travel to the English  Riviera of the South on a Sunday in the middle of August. Traffic terrible. When we finally got there it was closed - only open 3 days a week.

So we took a detour via Shinner's Bridge at Dartington and had our picnic in the grounds of The Cider Press Centre on a bench overlooking the kitchen at Cranks Restaurant where I worked as a cook 36 years ago. Such a very odd feeling to remember the woman I was then. Even odder to sit at the same wooden table where I had my interview for the job with the then manager, sharing a slice of carrot cake with my husband. The recipe hasn't changed for 36 years - I'd recognise it anywhere - coconutty, cinnamony. I've had better carrot cakes since.

Afterwards we walked along the river path towards Totnes and past these curious Jersey cows,

munching on green blackberries.

I wondered at the hardiness of her mouth to cope with the brambles.

The first tomato crop from the greenhouse at the allotment this evening.

I used them up in a chunky avocado salsa which we had for supper -  fragrant with the last of the basil leaves - still warm from the sun - spread on garlicky toasted crostinni.

The poppies are over.....

storing their seed in their heads.....

and the carrots tops going to flower....

 and a bed of globe artichokes on someone else's allotment ....

also left to go grow mauve tufted hair.

At the hospital this afternoon I was expecting Robin to have an MRI scan for his head. I'm sure that's what the physiotherapist referred him for. But it was for a shoulder and neck X-ray instead.  So the journey to uncover the source of his arm and hand weakness continues. 

We make a detour on the way home to Sainsbury's to see if we can find caramel coated cashew nuts.  He  bought some in the market in Honiton on Saturday from the Nut Man, and keeps asking if we can make some. I'm resisting it - all that sugar. Luckily we find something similar in the supermarket and so I give in. How can I resist his happiness..... why am I trying to anyway.....so little else for him to be happy about.

My Life Full Of Angels

This afternoon we visit my sweet great niece in her recently moved into new home just outside Plymouth.

This is the view of the estuary......

practically at the end of their road......

you could be in the country. 

Although we didn't bump into him, the Prime Minster was also in Plymouth  today- talking to the dairy farmers of the South West who are protesting that the supermarkets are giving them a rubbish price for their milk - less than it costs to produce it. What to do?

This morning I drive out of Exeter for a family constellation session....discover on arrival that I am double booked.....so  I drive home again, on the seat beside me a gorgeous homemade dark chocolate and a huge bunch of sweet peas which I cut from her beautiful rambling vegetable garden, filling the hot car with heavenly perfume.

This evening  I roast my sister's just dug red-skinned potatoes for supper. They are so deliciously moreish that when Robin finishes off the poached apricots in elderflower syrup for his dessert, I finish off the left over roast potatoes sprinkled with more salt and eaten in my fingers - much better than pudding....unless your'e talking coconut ice-cream of course.

Tonight, Robin says his left foot hurts..... I massage it...he winces at a place on the top of his foot by his toes.....I wonder if it's tendenitis....I notice his nails need cutting.....he says he can't do it now because he can't use his right hand properly.....like he can't hold his knife properly when he's eating.....no strength in it ....the muscle wasting in his shoulder. I don't want to cut his toe nails though.

He's having an MRI scan on Monday. More change coming. Just when I was getting used to this stage....silly really expecting things to stay the same....don't know why I resist it every time....slip into  despair every time.....climb out again every time....always helping hands buoying me up....my life full of angels.

Happiness Is A Choice

Rose and Agapanthus agains the brick wall in our garden. The blue ones for my uncle H in Canada.

Not many words tonight.... listening to myself about getting more sleep....

A friend reminded me today that  - 

 Happiness is a choice.

So  a few of the moments that made me happy today.....

small sweet cucumbers in the  market

creamy cocoa speckled froth on a mocha

 the gift of 6 round barrel tumblers

the first mouthful of a Belgian Chocolate Brownie from The Exploding Bakery

sun on my face while I eat my solitary salad in the garden

a sweet email that makes me smile

a dear voice on the phone

 the smile on my husband's face when I go and collect him from The Mede Care Centre......

and when he says Yes, he'll go there every week

all the loved faces in the circle tonight -  loving me

the melody of Eva Cassidy

the huge sunset sky driving home - washing everything in a coral and gold light - 

the colours of gratitude.

Life Saver

At Lytes Cary Manor  ( National Trust of course) in Somerset on Sunday. A high summer day... the corn rustling ripe....the teasels moulting....the bees feasting. And running through my head all day the lines from the song, Fields of Gold, sung by Eva Cassidy.

You'll remember me when the west wind moves

among the fields of barley.

You can tell the sun in his jealous sky

when we walked in fields of gold.

 Later I poached these apricots in the oven with pink elderflower cordial left over from the wedding.   I can't stop buying all this soft summer fruit - nectarines, peaches and plums - but we can't eat it quickly enough so I have to cook it. This is a winning combination - the sharpness of the apricots melting into the sweet fragrance of the elderflower syrup - even better than the Madiera and cinnamon  in the recipe.

I spent today in the company of some dear luscious women at a Spa Hotel in Somerset being pampered and nurtured, steamed, saunaed, jucuzzied and lunched in beautiful surroundings....letting my weariness, my deep muscle tiredness melt away for a little while.

Reminding me that this type of kindness to myself isn't only a luxury now - more like a life saver - necessary as breathing.

How Lucky I Am

In the hot house at Arlington Court in North Devon on Saturday.

I don't know what this lovely trailing 

creature is but probably something tropical.

The Victorian garden there - all very formal with fish pond, heron statues, begonias and silver leaf planted in circles,

 and a fountain, 

trailing 

silver water cobwebs,

and a column of dancing flamenco water

in the centre.

 Arlington Court is also the home of the National Carriage Museum. I was stunned at how enormous some of them were, the wheels coming nearly to my shoulder. Just like giant prams really. 

But with horses included.

This child's carriage was pulled by a dog.

 Later I was glad of a different kind of horse power to get us home across a rather bleak and windy Exmoor.

This afternoon I sat in a meeting at the offices of Age UK with three other carers. We'd been invited to share our experience of what it's like to look after - in our cases, our husbands, all still at home, and all at different stages in the relentless creeping march of dementia. The purpose to find out what kind of service Age UK could offer to support people like us.

One woman had been looking after her husband for 16 years. And his mother. She said there are more bad days than good. Another woman said she thought she was wonder woman, could manage on her own, and didn't tell anyone or ask for help till she was near to breaking.  For another woman it was the first time she had ever spoken to other carers about what she felt. As well as having dementia her husband is disabled and also violent to her. All of us had tears including the lovely women leading the meeting.

All I could think is how lucky I am. Which doesn't mean that every day, like them, I don't want to do it. But tonight at least I'm not afraid to go to bed.

Beautiful and Fearless

I fell in love with these hawk falcons and eagle owls on display at the NT's Arlington Court and National Carriage museum in North Devon where we were on Saturday.  So deceptively fluffy and soft....such tearing talons and beaks. I don't like the idea of any wild animal or bird being captive but their trainer was so sweet with this one after her flight, so loving, so respectful.

My little golden-red female Robin visited me again in the blackcurrant cage at the allotment  this evening.  Beautiful and fearless as ever -  my faithful picking companion.

The whole lammas moon on Saturday night - another month gone full circle.