After my Family Constellations session this morning I walk on the edge of Dartmoor at Castle Drogo following a steep path through woods, the sides of the hills still grey brown, the trees still naked, listening to the sound of the river far below me, winding its way along the valley floor.
Robin and I came here for many years, every season.... exploring the castle....summer picnics.....long winter walks....then just for tea and cake in the National Trust cafe....and finally just for 5 minutes in the car park, leaving him with Handel's Water Music playing
while I jumped out to take photos.
Although it's spitting with rain all the time I'm walking I want to be outside, in a wide and wild and even bleak landscape. A distraction from the muddle and sadness colouring my inner landscape at the moment. This conflict in me between my sensible, good girl, always doing the right thing and my free and joyous one who always wanted to be a ballerina....
At home I warm myself up with a bowl of pea and parmesan risotto and research recipes for vegan cakes. Although I have already collected and experimented with many I'm never really satisfied with them.
I bake another one full of dried fruit and ground almonds but no eggs or fat or sugar. I remain unconvinced.
Talking....walking....baking.....reading....crying/not crying. It's enough for today.
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