It's OK, I Love You

This afternoon we walk along the banks of the River Exe at Duckes Meadows. Instead of having a bad hair day my husband is having a bad voices in the head day.  Except the words he doesn't want to say don't stay in his head and come out of his mouth instead in a funny voice. Then he calls himself names in the same funny voice.

 These are some of the tactics we've tried to help him stop. 

Say I love you to the voice ....be kind to the little boy inside instead of beating him up.

Do a quick EFT tapping technique on his hand saying "Even though I'm talking in a funny voice, I love and accept myself".

Say "I'm thinking it but I'm not saying it."

It helps for a little while but the voice seems to have a mind of its own beyond his control.

Today I thought of another tactic - surrender. Let it be - don't try and stop it - take the pressure of him. 

What if it was just OK to talk in a funny voice and say inappropriate things, and to be upset about it while it's happening?

At least what if I let it be OK with ME? All of it. All my irritation and upset and fear and shame and embarrassment and wanting to not witness his distress. What if I  knew somewhere deep inside that I really, really can't change anything about him but just feel my own seeming unbearable pain....live along side it instead of trying to rid myself of it like something disgusting stuck to the bottom of my shoe.....what then?

So this afternoon while we walked under a blue winter sky by the river,  under the branches of wild cherry trees in full white blossom, I held my husband's hand and it was easy to say It's OK every time his funny voice broke out, every time he said,

  I'm sorry I'm being an arsehole,  I could say,

 It's OK. I love you.

Out loud to him, silently to me.

And feel the truth of it softening my heart.