Powerful

This morning the washing machine breaks down half way through a cycle. I drive to my sister's farm with a basket of soggy clothes and while I pick raspberries and beans and Russian kale (and these gorgeous roses) in her garden, her washing machine does my laundry.

This afternoon I defrost the freezer, the back door open to the dust of next door's building work, the sun drying my washing.

In amongst the frozen chills, the frozen garlic bread, the frozen left over onion gravy from December 2013, I find two mini Mars Bar ice creams. I eat both of them while I hack away at the compacted ice on the top shelf in the freezer.

This evening a friend gives me the gift of some of the best coaching I've ever had.....giving me access to the idea of taking back the reins of my life in a powerful way instead of acting from my default position of feeling helpless, hopeless and inadequate especially when I need to make difficult decisions - which I have a lot of at the moment.

He helped me to remember that I haven't always been like this - anxious and fearful and indecisive - there have been times in my life when I felt confident, I made good decisions, I trusted my intuition, I took risks, I did well. I just forgot - it's not too late -  I can choose which version of myself I want to be at any one time. 

Not much I can do about the situation with my husband now but a lot I can do about feeling powerful or not about myself. And trying to control how many biscuits he eats only makes me feel anxious and cross, not loving...or powerful.