Lemon Cakes - Not Fool-Proof

Some of the luscious veggies I bought in the organic farmers market this morning..... and mixed with  a gift of  garden flowers from the same market. Later I meet up with two friends in a tiny cafe behind the cathedral called Cakeadoodledo - for  connection, coffee and cake - mine is Lemon Polenta  -  a huge, crumbly, zesty, moist and crunchy slice, freshly baked, melting and memorable.  I leave feeling touched by their listening, their TLC..... and with the bunch of flowers and jar of Sicilian Lemon Curd in my bag.

Much later I bake a fool-proof Cranks recipe for Lemon Drizzle Cake and wake up my husband in time to go to our Deeksha meditation evening.  He is reluctant to go, not sure he'll be able to give the Deeksha blessing and when I ask why he says he's lost his confidence  - in how to do it and if he'll get it right.

Which is why he's taking a break from singing and making his ceramics -  he feels incompetent, his fear of getting it wrong, of risking 'failure,' far outweighs any pleasure he may get from it, certain he'll feel even worse about himself ....better to do nothing than experience that.

He's always had this tendency - painful and frustrating for me to watch - long before the brain disease.....but now it seems to be exaggerated. I worry that the anti-depressants are making it worse for him even though he doesn't cry any more when he sees or hears an ambulance or a child crying he doesn't like the dampening down of all his emotions. He has reduced the dosage  but I'm wondering if a different one would be better.....bring him back to himself. Maybe not to his old self .....maybe that's  gone......

He does give everyone - all 12 of us -  the Deeksha blessing and says he enjoyed it. We leave very soon after a cup of tea and a square of Lemon Drizzle Cake. I know now that talking and listening in a group for more than a few minutes is one of the hardest, most tiring things for him.

 So now I'm re-thinking - re-feeling my way into how to be with all our family and friends....so we both don't lose out. But because we are so knitted up into the fabric of their TLC....I know we'll find a recipe -  even if it's not as fool-proof as the one for Lemon Drizzle Cake.