Tomorrow

Moments ......

Today I sink..... into the depths of a cold darkness.......my candle peters out when my eyes are closed this morning, trying to meditate....my mind takes flight......and the tears keep running.....

Lovely stretches and hugs in my yoga class......but my eyes are wobbly....

A bowl of hot left-overs from last night's supper - store cupboard rice and leeks and sweetcorn.  We are supposed to take my husband's aunty to hospital but her bed is cancelled. He says, 

I'm going for a drive - it's the last time I'll be able to.

We are going to court tomorrow. We know he'll be banned from driving  - just not how long for. Probably why I'm so watery....

The loo is smelling -  however much I clean it. I email our lovely plumber but he has gone to Lesotho  to lay water pipes.

I keep the heating down low till my fingers are blue, even with a wooly coat on and I can't bear it any more. I turn it up - don't know why I'm trying to save money on the fuel bills but not on food. 

I'm shocked when I stand on the scales and see how much weight I've gained. I drink vegetable bouillion instead of tea and freeze the flapjacks.

Notice how the fear knotting my stomach about tomorrow makes me mean and punishing.

 Tonight I watch the TV news and see the horror, the wasteland, the loss on the islands in the Phillipines after the typhoon...the three brothers , young men deranged with grief whose mother lies dead under the coconut trees, their father says, I'm hopeless, everything is gone.

Then  I feel the smallness of my complaints......and a sudden gratitude for tomorrow -  whatever it brings.