From The Heart

Firm heart of a cauliflower....

I don't put the lights on tonight when I walk into the kitchen which smells of our haddock, garlicky aubergine and tomato supper. I hear a sound at the back door and jump, letting out a scream when I see my husband through the glass, coming in from the garden with a torch. I thought he was upstairs. I know it's him but my body's adrenaline imagines something else.

 He's been in the shed spraying his newly painted ceramic models with a strong smelling polyurethane varnish. He's racing against the clock to get them finished by tomorrow when we are going to take them into the studio to set up his exhibition for next week - thirty five of them. He's not racing actually -  that's what I'd be doing. He's calm and methodical.

When the nice Community Psychiatric Nurse comes this afternoon my husband doesn't recognise him or understand most of what he says.  He brings a form to fill in called ABOUT ME which is to help someone understand his condition and what he needs if he has to go into hospital. He say's it'll make us look very switched on. It feels far away in a distant future and unreal to me. I'd be with him if he had to go to hospital.

The CPN also says that the fact my husband is walking, and engaging with creative pursuits, and inter-acting socially will protect him from depression. Although my husband does say that he often feels very negative when he wakes up  - about himself and about the day.....and sometimes he can get himself out of it by remembering

to have a day of joy by living out of my heart.

And sometimes he can't. Like the rest of us.