1st February 2013
I wish you could smell these Narcissi scenting our sitting room with a mix of bitter almonds cherries and nail varnish......
It takes two big saucepans of very hot water and a kettleful to have a miniscule bath.....the boiler is breaking, a leak somewhere, maybe under the floorboards, the water pressure slowly dropping bit by bit till the radiators and the water are stone cold.....my heart sinking along with it...
My stove-top rice pudding is so far from what I imagined it was going to be - unctious and creamy - it won’t even be rescued with vanilla, cream or butter and my disappointment stays with me like a stomach full of cold water ....
My husband shows me an email from the company he used to work for confirming his resignation as a director in a few months time.....the last link with the grown up world he used to know....the man I used to know....
And now I’m staring down the long flight of steps of our imagined future getting narrower and smaller and lonelier...
This morning I laughed about getting older with two dear women as we lingered over the debris of our lunch in a cafe - about putting the salt and pepper pots in the fridge and not noticing food smears on our clothes and arthritis in our fingers, and forgetting to reply to emails.....and it felt warm and natural and real.
But just now what feels real is the stone cold hardness of those steps in front of me.....
No comments:
Post a Comment