What I Talked About Today

20th December 2011 Tuesday

What I talked about today......

Bereavement - in the office of our lovely clinical psychologist - he says we are bereaved but no one died. Like grieving for the baby we didn’t have. He gives us a graphic demonstration - joins his two hands together - like you do when you pray or entreat - removes one hand (a death) and the other is left alone - twitching, gaping - where the fingers of the other were nestled.

After my husband’s diagnosis our hands are still entwined but there are uncertain gaps between them now, the snug fit destroyed. So it is up to us to find a way to rub along together in the spider’s web of loss and change, fear and hope. And our CP reassures us that it is still early days - just over a year now since we heard the words ‘semantic dementia’ and didn’t know they were bullets from an unfired rifle, waiting to explode into the plate glass of our ordinary lives - leaving neat holes and no-going-back jagged cracks.

What else I talked about today......

Recipes for sea bass with my hairdresser....

My father’s cracked ribs with my uncle in Yorkshire.....

The best toy to buy for a six month old baby - my sweet great nephew - with the owner of a toy shop which is closing down tomorrow....

The ingredients of my version of Colcannon ( our supper tonight) with my husband - potatoes, leeks and cabbage.... but I know he won’t remember them....

And there must be other stuff I talked about but it’s already tomorrow - and only four days till Christmas....