Crying A Bit

23rd December 2011 Friday

Yesterday I cried about my bad haircut. Today I cry often and easily - about everything and nothing.....

My sister holds my hand - we sit on the sofa - abandon the Christmas cards laid in lines on the carpet, waiting for their little gold pegs to attach them to the wide gold ribbons I bring out every year..... I think I’m crying about trying to be normal on the outside when inside I feel in pieces - or it could be something else......

My nephew holds my hand while I cry a bit, when we go out into the car park, into the coldness of the night leaving my father in his over heated room, his head slumped into his chest. We have been sitting with him in the lounge of his home while the residents play party games - after a fashion - pass the parcel and with a blindfold on, stick a number where you think Rudolf’s nose is on a portable picture of a reindeer. My father wins this game - a big box of wine gums. He chews a green one for a long time.

I tell him my nephew and his fiancee have two cats and he says,

‘Well, all I can say is congratulations’.

And he tells us he had a cat called Pinkle Purr when he first went out to Africa to stop him being lonely while he was waiting for my mother to come out and marry him. He used to be able to quote the A A Milne poem - Pinkle Purr - a little black nothing of feet and fur. But he can’t today. He doesn’t say very much at all that makes much sense.

When I put my key in the door tonight the house smells of raw onion. My husband has prepared our supper, chopped up lots of veggies to stir fry. At first I think he has used the leeks I need for Christmas. But he hasn’t. I’m not hungry and say I don’t want to eat. He looks crestfallen. He is painting his ceramics at the kitchen table and in the utility room. I was going to make a Chocolate Rocky Road fruit and nut loaf but I feel squished out of my space.

I go upstairs and lie on the bedroom floor and cry a bit. Then I start wrapping his Christmas presents. And wish I could be more gracious - feel more grateful than I do.