Frost trimmed skimmia and
primulas in wooden tubs
on the decking outside Quicke's Farm Kitchen Cafe near Crediton,
this morning,
where we were having a last treat - cheese scone for me and
coffee cake for Robin before he stopped eating anything at 12 noon. He has to drink a 65 gram sachet of vanilla flavoured, white powder dissolved in a litre of water every 2 hours till 8pm - an enema preparation before his colonoscopy tomorrow morning. I'm mixing it up for him and now supervising him drinking it every half hour as earlier he picked up one of the four plastic cups and dropped it on the carpet as I hadn't tightened the lid.
As I write he's not even half way through. His dressing gown is in the washing machine...... there's a big towel in the bed.... there's bleach down the loo and on the loo walls..... a haze of rose air freshener on the stairs.... and I've put a tall fountain of sweet scented, bright star narcissi in the bedroom.
He obviously can't eat anything. I can, but I've quite lost my appetite. And the will to live.
I keep thinking about the Soul Painting course I did on Sunday with the lovely Sam Jenkins in her Creative Sanctuary for Women at Budleigh Salterton. She encourages you to pour your soul's longing onto the paper with brushes and sponges and fingers, with bright and muted, primary and glittery paints. Without self criticism or analysis.
I'm still sitting with my creation - there is some gold in there, some treasure, but it's not yet clear to me as mostly all I can see is a mess. Which is just where I feel I am at the moment - in a bit of a mess. But my soul knows better. Although I feel a long way from the luxury of my creativity I know it's not forever. Nothing will stop me when I give it my attention.
You can find Sam at http://www.thesoulstudio.co.uk
I love her beautiful angels and would like to have them all lined up behind me - keeping my gold warm in their wings.
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