The cooler pinks and blues and creams at The Garden House.....
Tonight it's my turn to feel sad. Robin's triggers are War Memorials, planes in the sky, ambulance sirens, any mention or thought of anyone we know who died.
My trigger is the music playing during our Deeksha meditation, the soft Indian chants and the sweet high notes of the woman vocalist. It ushers in a flood of sadness - not for all those precious lost lives but for me and the endings in my life now. For all the things that are over and can't be reclaimed.
Sometimes I wonder how to still honour and value everything that went before the shock of Robin's illness. I didn't know it would mean the end of the life I had then. I thought I could just carry on and adapt and somehow muddle thorough and still be the me I was. Still be us.
Not so. It could be better. I could be better - even have a life I value alongside Robin and his illness - since I will always be with him - instead of being lost and enmeshed in his journey. Tonight I'm at a loss for how to do that.
But one thing I could do is go downstairs and ask him to turn the music down or off - Mamma Mia. He's singing along to it ( different words) while he washes up - in a high falsetto. I don't like to stop him as he enjoys it - but I've decided the neighbours may have had enough as it's after 11pm. And I certainly have.
I know he'll agree....and say he didn't realise ....but he won't know the word loud.
So I'll thank him for doing the washing up instead and just be grateful this day is over. But my life isn't.
Cake for the birthday girl tonight.
Coffee and Walnut, her favourite,
before the candles.
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