No Answers

The sun slipping through the clouds tonight - posting itself to bed.

It was cold this morning.... couldn't get warm in the farmers' market. I'm feeling the fingers of my old SAD ( Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder) tugging at the edges of my skin....pulling me into how can I get through this day/what's the point/when can I eat toast and honey?

 Still, I  do get through with no answers to those questions...and no toast ...... but a walnut and cranberry chocolate brownie instead.

 This afternoon when I pick up Robin from the Mede I suggest a walk by the estuary in Topsham.  He agrees and as we walk I tell him about the forms we have to fill in from our financial advisor about our pensions. I try and explain about the difference between annuities and a managed portfolio and what would be best for us. He listens....he does understand....asks what a portfolio is... but  mostly he wanders off to pick small ripe blackberries from high brambles in the hedge.....and says he'd like to have a banana when he gets home.

 So I say we can do the forms tomorrow and we both look up into the sky and watch the silver wings of a mono plane bank into the clouds and disappear, the drone of its engines fading away like vapour, like it had never been....

Time To Let It go

At the allotment this morning I pull up tough straggling weeds choking the strawberries and the asparagus plants in the raised beds. I hack down a swathe of nettles in the long grass smothering the paths. The flopping trailing tomato plants, taller than me, end up on the compost heap.

 I can't /don't want to do it on my own anymore....feel overwhelmed by the weeds and the responsibility and the time commitment. It's time to let it go.....a relief really. I'm sad to lose all the soft fruit and the plums, the asparagus and the artichokes - although there may be a way to dig up the asparagus and re-plant them somewhere else. It was always Robin's allotment....

I defrost the freezers this afternoon - find things I'd forgotten about. So this evening I make an Indian curry for supper with fresh turmeric and chilli, curry leaves, coconut and tomatoes, cod fillets and prawns....and dollop it over a pile of brown rice and swiss chard to soak up the sauce.

I make room in the freezer for the end of of my gorgeous raspberry layered shortbread birthday cake and the remainder of the tart tatin I made for my sisters on Saturday. It  was a wonderful extension of my birthday day -  some of  which I spent with friends, including sharing  a fabulous courgette and walnut cake - and some of which I spent with Robin when he bought me coffee and an almond croissant in Waitrose. 

So I have been seriously celebrated with cake this birthday - explains why I need to freeze it - keep it for another, less sweet day.

This Daisy Is For Her

When we were staying in the Cotswolds last week I took a trip down memory lane, re-visted some old haunts in Oxford where I lived from the age of 16 - in this house ( much smarter than it was then) with my parents. We parked  across the other side of the road and I took a photo - didn't feel able to knock on the door and say I lived here 45 years ago.

But it did bring back very vivid memories of those times - including that 3 day week -  and the young woman I was then - all the intensity of my last years at school.... making friends....my first boyfriend....my broken heart.....my family breaking up..... coming back together....leaving for Uni....coming back from Uni... working in M&S in the vacs...my first true love.....my broken heart....breaking his...my traumatic teaching practice....and that hot hot summer when all the grass died.....the year I left home for good....grew up...grew away.

During that time I met my best friend at University. Our lives diverged over the years...she married ( I was her bridesmaid),  had her family, settled in Scotland. But we always stayed in touch....saw each other somehow.... when we could. 

Yesterday, her beautiful, brave daughter died after a long struggle with cancer....her life that was just beginning over so soon.

This daisy is for her - for her mother and her father and her sisters -  and huge gratitude for the  beauty and the light and the love she brought to us all.

In The High Sheep Fields

On the way up to the Cotswolds last week we called in to visit some old friends in Stroud and had a lovely Spanish omelette lunch with them - the doors of their conservatory folded back, the perfume of their garden wafting in, the sun burning my legs - a glorious Indian summer afternoon.

The cottage we rented for the week is on the outskirts of a village, Blockley, near Morton in Marsh,  both mentioned in the Doomsday book. The sun trap south facing garden,

and the view from the bedroom onto the private estate, all honey coloured Cotswold stone, virginia creeper, pyracantha and rambling white roses.

The mansion house which belonged to the Spencer Churchill family at the centre of  the original estate, at the back of our cottage.

My view from the kitchen window,

I loved watching the  birds while I waited for the kettle to boil in the mornings. 

Every morning we drove out - never very far - to visit somewhere - usually a National Trust property or garden. The first day it was

Broadway tower - a 20th Century folly - associated with William Morris...

I took this herd of deer from the top of the 5 flights of steps inside the tower.

We walked a little way in the fields beyond the tower....

I read later that Cotsowlds means High Sheep Fields.

Another day it was  the famous Hidcote House and Gardens...

and the very eccentric collection of 22,000 objects - mostly hand crafted - assembled in the Tudor country house,

at Snow's Hill Manor.

 The craftsman who made this had never seen an elephant so made it from hearsay...

Most days we had  coffee and cake somewhere, and took a picnic lunch or

 the day we went to Tewkesbury Abbey - wonderful  peaceful trees in the grounds like this beech -

we had lunch in a tiny Italian bistro.

The day we visited Chedworth Roman Villa was the only day it drizzled a bit, but we were on our way home by then anyway.

In the evenings we walked around the estate,

down the long drive...

past the fields of cut corn always  hopping with pheasants....

stopping to catch the sun before it went down...

and listen to the blackbird's evening song.

Every night I cooked supper - roasted squashes and sweet potatoes, concocted vegetable stews, whisked up smoked salmon omelettes,  and heated up a Higgidy Pie - feta and red pepper - which we stretched for 2 meals. When I asked Robin what he remembered most about the holiday he said liked all of it but  especially the shopping at Budgens in Moreton in Marsh where they had lots of free samples of cakes to taste.

After supper I read or watched DVDS .....Robin played games on the iPad,

and we listened to the bellowing of the stag outside claiming his territory and his females....

I fell in love with the Cotswolds while we were there and felt nourished and rested by all the deep pile carpet luxury, and soothed and blessed by all the golden bronze beauty and peace of autumn in the high sheep fields...a place to remember - a place to re-visit.... even in my mind when the winter of darkness comes and claims the light...