I wake at 4am. I think I'm having a heart attack or a panic attack. Pain all round my chest, ribs, back, left side, it hurts to breathe, my heart racing....my arm feels numb.
I wonder if I should call an ambulance...drive myself to A&E, ring Devon Doctors? After I calm down a bit I realise the pain is mostly in my ribs and my shoulder and back and maybe my arm is numb because I've been lying on it. And even though it hurts I can take shallow breaths.
But I lie awake and let it sink in - the fact I'm alone in my house in the early hours of the morning - and how do I deal with a possible emergency when it's my own? I always found out very quickly what to do if it was Robin who needed an ambulance....I can hear it now...that terrible crash of him falling on the stairs...
I'm lucky to get an appointment later in the day with our wonderful back man who says it's a strain in the big fan of muscles attached to my middle back and ribs. Not serious. Not my heart. Probably from doing a seated twisted pose in my yoga class on Monday. Even though the class is deliciously gentle and not strenuous at all, I must have indulged my tendency to go that little bit beyond my capacity and put something out of kilter.
Which all fits really with how I'm feeling at the moment....out of kilter....broken hearted....hurting.
Pain makes me miserable and grumpy all day. I cook green leeks and savoy cabbage, ruby chard and sweet potatoes with garlic and ginger and I heat up a twisted cheese straw out of the freezer to eat while I'm cooking.
Trying not to breathe too deeply.....to feel the hurt too deeply....a fist around my heart.
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