I Have Music In Me

5th June 2012 Tuesday

This is how it is here on the second bank holiday of the Queen’s diamond Jubilee.....

I wake with an acid stomach -  the thought of my day which is ordinary and easy fills me with dread.  The pussy cat squeaks for breakfast so I can’t stay under the duvet.

I read my lesson for the day in A Course in Miracles. I love the language but despair of ever going a few seconds beyond my guilt.   My husband chops up rhubarb while I get dressed.

I’m horrible to him while we walk up and down the aisles at Sainsbury’s. He pushes the trolley too slowly. I feel sick at the check out at the size of the receipt. Back home we unpack the bags. He says he doesn’t know where the crisps live. In the cupboard he opens twenty times a day.

He walks in the rain while I start cooking for when we go to Wales. By mistake I leave out most of the ground almonds in the chocolate cake I make. I’ll have to make another one.

The pussy cat digs up the pansies I planted yesterday. I cut some holly branches and lay them over the border but don’t think it’ll deter him.

Later I watch on iplayer the film Gary Barlow made of the song he recorded for the Queen’s Jubilee. It’s moving and beautiful. I can’t get them out of my head -  the African faces of the children outside Nairobi - their clear sweet voices and the young blind man, Michael, who plays in the Slum Drummers of Kibera one of the biggest and worst slum townships in Africa. He says, 

I have music in me. And no matter what you are going through, you have to stay strong , you don’t have to break down and give up, you have to keep focussing on what you want to do. 

I wasn’t going to blog tonight. I wanted to give up. Thank you, Michael, for the music in you which blasts out the smallness and the pettiness in me.....reminds me there is a song in me too....if you can I can...