Doctor's Orders

21st November 2011 Monday

My father’s doctor rings me this morning in response to a message I left him about re-arranging a prostate implant appointment. He is really annoyed. He says I don’t need to keep phoning him, he has everything to do with my father under control and I should relax - ( ie. let him get on with it and stop harassing him.)

I feel shocked and told off - ‘‘ticked off,” as my mother would say. I feel ashamed, like a schoolgirl who got too big for my boots. I expect he has picked up that I don’t trust him. But recently I thought we were getting along. I didn’t know he had re-arranged the appointment because he didn’t tell me - or the people at my father’s home. I think he just feels unacknowledged for all the work he’s doing. I find myself in tears as I hoover the carpets and look for our travel insurance policy and weigh out ingredients for the Christmas cake.

I feel nervous driving my husband’s car to visit my father. Mine is in the garage - waiting for a new clutch - I stall at the lights and for a moment I can’t remember how re-start it. At least the car behind me is patient and doesn’t hoot.

My father has had bad night - with an agency carer and a leaking bag. He doesn’t know who to complain to or even if he should. I explain again the hierarchy of carers to him but he can’t remember who is who. After this morning’s conversation with the doctor I resist the temptation to go and sort it out for him. I leave him downstairs for his supper talking to a senior member of staff who says he’ll come and discuss it later. I hope my father remembers that. I drive home in the dark and drizzle, not crying, and only stall the car once.

Christmas cake in the oven now - the warm spiced aroma scenting the whole house. Time for supper - left over risotto - it tastes even better the second day. Especially if you meld it into balls and deep fry it. Which I’m not going to do tonight. But it’s nice to think about for another occasion. Sometimes it keeps me from going mad - thinking about things like risotto balls.