Festering

29th July 2011 Friday

Some thoughts about today.

It’s late and I’m tired. I’m feeling flat and disconnected tonight - and bloated from our supper of pasta, spinach and smoked salmon. Created by my husband while I sat at the dining room table and wrote emails - passing the cooking mantle to him.

I think I should stop blogging. I’m afraid I’m losing the knack - boring myself with the details of my little life. I can’t access even a sliver of poetry anymore. As if my vocabulary is fading in sympathy with my husband.

I’m worried about a dear friend in crisis - feeling helpless in the face of her despair.

I loved sitting at a table outside a pavement cafe this morning with another dear friend over a frothy coffee and sharing the deep currents of our lives - not wanting it to end, not wanting to drain my cup.

My leg hurts. This morning the nurse dug around in the black hole with tweezers but couldn’t find anything. She filled the hole with a seaweed dressing to draw the infection out from the source she said.

I think my body is talking to me. A dear friend looked up the emotional connections for me. I suspect this infection is unexpressed anger settled in. That it is in my leg is not a coincidence - emotionally legs mean going forward or in my case being afraid of the future Even though I think I’m getting better, groping for acceptance - maybe the poison is still festering. Like the seeping white rot in the roots of my husband's onions that he dug up today.

My fear has gone underground for now - into the black hole.