Entranced

8th June 2011 Wednesday

We have seen him in the photos - our six day old great nephew - and he looks beautiful. But I wasn’t prepared for the tiny perfection of him, the lightness of him, the miniatureness of him - his fingernails, his nose, his ears all there all in the right place, dainty as a pixie. My nephew who is newly radiant, puts him in my arms - Hold his head - he says. His eyes are closed, he just makes little wrinkles with his nose and mouth, lifts one elfin hand to his silk cheek and continues his sleep. There is a palpable peacefulness about him. I am entranced.

When I hand him back to his mother for a moment I feel bereft, empty handed.

“ How can you bear to let him go?” I ask her.

‘I can’t’, she says.‘Everything has changed now. I have all I want.’

Driving home my husband says, ‘They are a family now.’

We didn’t do that - make our own family. So I’ll never know what’s that’s like. Maybe I have something else to give birth to now. Maybe it’s me.