25th April 2011 - Easter Monday
Today I feel everything in waves - sad and angry, moved and inspired, grumpy and irritable, resentful and jealous. My skin feels as thin as slices of pickled ginger - pores open to all sweetness and pain.
After breakfast, when our dearly beloveds have begun their journey home, we drive out to the quietness of wide paths weaving through pine woods high above the sea. We walk and talk in and out of sun and shade. Sometimes I can’t look my husband in the eyes for fear of the love I’ll see there. That he’ll melt my resolve to be be right - that I will be alone and poor and lost without him in the future I see hurtling towards us.
If I was a Buddhist I’d know that I could be happy in any circumstance, have the wisdom to be at ease there however uncertain, however uneasy the situation. That the line between choosing fear or love is skin thin. Today I longed to step across that flimsy barrier but found myself instead seeking out the shade, eating another small chocolate Easter egg I don’t really want.
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