Inappetent

Monday 4th April

Day 348

The house smells of bleach and fish. This morning I sprayed the grouting between the bathroom floor tiles with a mould remover - didn’t realise it was full of bleach. Now I have mottled red patches on my navy leggings where I knelt down to wash it off.

The fish is steamed haddock for the pussy cat. He’s been diagnosed with Pancreatitis so I’m tempting him with tiny morsels mashed in water. He licks it, looks at me and returns to his dry pellet food. He has lost weight and needs to eat more. I think it must be my fault - I fed him the wrong food all these years. The vet says he’s inappetent. I look up appetent in the dictionary - is it spelt with an ‘a’ or an ‘e’ ? It means a fixed and strong eagerness or desire; a craving.

I wonder where it comes from - that eagerness for living. That urge towards the light even when darkness clings to everything like sooty cobwebs.