Monday, 18 June 2018

Three Very Precious Beings

Tonight I can only think of three very precious beings who need extra tender loving care and attention.

I'm holding them in my heart. And as it is in my power, I'm sending them a thousand angels for protection and support and healing.
 And unconditional love.
 I trust they will feel and know it.

Friday, 15 June 2018

Long Rooted and Sheltered

This afternoon I walk in the park.  Recently I've let myself become overwhelmed with stress and I've stopped doing all the things that help me to cope.  My lovely therapist reminds me that there are ways to resource myself  - or rather let myself be resourced when my mind is paralysed with fear and indecision. Resourced by the magic of the Medicine Wheel....with the grandfather energy from the East...bringing support and protection, fire and spark. Having my back.

Like breathing. Deeply.
And walking. In nature
And asking for Help.

So later, reading a long complicated financial report which I had to understand and sign, I felt calm and slow and when it got too difficult I walked in the garden... deadheaded the pansies..... filled the bird feeders. And then phoned my advisor.

Like these water lilies  - long rooted and sheltered  -  and not doing it all on my own. 

Thursday, 14 June 2018

Swimming The Channel Alone

My new plot

Today I feel like I'm swimming the Channel ....alone .....with none of that protective grease smeared on my skin ....and no little safety boat nearby to rescue me if I get into difficulties.

The results of the environmental searches  come back - pages and pages and pages of them.
Looks like there could be a flooding risk. I commission a more detailed enquiry.

The energy efficiency of the house is in a very low band. Even lower than in my big old draughty home now.

The surveyor report says the house is worth much less than I paid for it. But it was my choice.

I choke up while I'm speaking on the phone to a young woman at the building insurance company who cant't answer my questions and doesn't know what to say to me. Robin used to work with the  lovely man who started the green and ethical insurance company - we know him well - but he's not in the office today.

I manage not to cry on the phone to my solicitor and she says she's not worried about the house but I should get more checks done.

Quotes come in from the removal companies - more decisions.

And all I want to do is the fun stuff -  like looking at beautiful fabrics for curtains - far too soon to think about that....
 and buying beautiful bedding for my kingsize bed.
Which I did today in House of Fraser - 60 percent off  800 thread count, pure white Egyptian cotton duvet covers and sheets and pillow cases.

A bargain I'm not going to regret.

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Dormice to the Rescue.

These roses are growing in a bed outside the RBS bank in Exeter. I pass them when I'm walking to my solicitor's office - delivering the latest tranche of papers to do with moving house. Walking there is necessary to get me out of my head and all the legal stuff I have to read and understand which drives me potty. Today it was all about the enquiries on my purchase.

Tonight my bedtime reading is the planning application to Mid Devon County Council to build 5 houses in the field next to the house I'm buying. I want to find out what I can expect. 

I'm thrilled to discover that the dormice have come to my rescue.

The area to the east of the site has been retained to serve as an ecology mitigation zone,
 providing a higher value environment for foraging and commuting of dormice.

Which means that they can't build on that piece of land which is on the boundary of my property. So although the houses will still be built -  now only 5, not the 6 as originally proposed -  they won't be jammed up next to me. There will be a safe dormice buffer zone between us.

I can't help imagining the dormice in tiny bowler hats, carrying rolled umbrellas as they commute freely up and down their foraging zone bringing home the bacon/berries for their families.

This is the only very blurred photo I have of a dormouse taken at the Nature Reserve at Seaton Wetlands last May. He's the cutest little thing.

 I miss telling  this story to my father - he had a very soft spot for dormice and he would have cheered when I tell him how they had the power to convince the county council to protect their hedgerow home from bricks and mortar and concrete.

Robin would have cheered too.

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

Courgetti and Grievance and Grieving

It looks like spaghetti but it's all raw - courgette spirals in a delicious cashew nut pesto and a delicate couscous and cucumber turmeric salad - my sister's birthday treat at an excellent vegetarian restaurant called 'Feast' in Ilminster in Somerset. 
Ours was a vegan meal but the portions were on the small side so we made up for it with non vegan cheese scones and cakes  - one of them - orange drizzle  - a bit on the dry side.
But I'd definitely go back again which, as I'm the fussiest person I know about restaurants, is a big plus.

I read this quote today from Robert  Holden's book, 'Loveability'.

Holding on to any grievance is really a decision to suffer.

Holding on to anything is where the suffering is...
regrets ... unfinished plans.....lost money....jumpers.

I notice how close the word grievance is to grieving. 

 Grievance - A feeling of resentment over something believed to be wrong or unfair.

Grieving - to feel intense sorrow mourn.

It feels so wrong and unfair that I'm alive and Robin isn't.

To hold on to that feeling is to suffer.

To feel it, again and again, and to let it go, again and again is to heal.

 No rush.

Monday, 11 June 2018 last summer here

This evening the sun is a river
the surfaces of my kitchen.

I eat a summer supper
in the company 
of  bees
feasting on
my feet resting 
on hot patio

I keep my sunglasses on
to fight laser brightness 
pouring through
 the clear roof
while I wash 
and a glass
in hot suds.

Now the perfume of night garden -
fresh earth and grass,
 honeysuckle and 
is piercing through open blinds
into the hot stillness of
  my bedroom.

And it hurts me 
 this is my last summer here.
Leaving behind the bees
all the memories 
of our love 
sunk into the 
hot brick 
of the 
garden walls.

Friday, 8 June 2018

Paperwork...ending the story


my way to 

 my nesting mate....

 always staying nearby...on guard...

and sometimes taking a break.

Today my plans are scuppered and it becomes all about paperwork instead, I read the 45 page Homebuyers' Survey Report on the house I am buying.

I answer detailed enquiries from my buyers' solicitor about the building work we had done here, mostly in the kitchen, in 2003 when we moved in. 
I track the story of our plans in quotes and invoices and diagrams and search for guarantees and legal requirements in the fat house file. And find the evidence of how we transformed it.

Robin's handwriting, his signature, his presence, his love is on every piece of paper. When it was the beginning of our new life here in this house ...building our nest.

I'm dismantling it now....ending the story....missing him so much... I can't say,
 Do you remember when we...?

Because only he would know. And he's not here. And he never will be. My fingers can write it but my bones won't believe it.