Tuesday, 23 October 2018

.....the past is no longer what it used to be.












More images from my 4 hour walk the other day....following the stony path through the woods.

Today I walk with Robin's family at the Killerton Estate... loving the majesty and protection and longevity of the giant trees brought there from all over the world....sharing it with them.

 And all day this Robert Holden quote has been popping in and out of my mind..... but I'm wondering how to do it.
All day I have had the past sitting on my shoulder....dreading tomorrow...if I let myself think about it even for a second I'm a lost shadow....haunted by that phone call.

So I try and remember him smiling at me instead, the smile that never left his eyes. All the love in him that he shared with us all....the love that doesn't die.
When you forgive the past you discover, all of a sudden, that the past is no longer what it used to be. 


Monday, 22 October 2018

We remembered him today.





Tarte tatin lunch ....sunset walk over the fields ....and the moon rising... in the company of Robin's sister and family today.

Poignant...it was on this Monday 2 years ago that they were due to come and visit Robin and I had to make that phone call...
We remembered him today....together .....all those times they came to visit when the children were little. And now they are nearly as tall as he was.

I wish he was here to hug them.... like they hugged me tonight....with such young tenderness.


Friday, 19 October 2018

The road is like my journey



















As it's a sublimely beautiful day I set off early for a walk...decide to go beyond my usual turn off to the footpath that gives me a circular route back to the village....and continue up the hill .... I'm treated to breath-taking views across rolling Devon hills and farms.

I have no map and no water and no idea how far to go.... just a vague instruction from one of my neighbours  to turn right at Christ's Cross or Criss Cross as it is known locally....and that will take me back to the village.

Luckily I meet another neighbour ...she stops the car and gets out and we have a long chat in the sunshine. She says yes, turn right at Criss Cross, pass by 5 farm gates on the left and there will be  an unmarked stony track on the right after that.

I find the turning and I walk the path.
Nearly 4 hours later I am home again.

 
I love  every minute of it. The beauty. The warmth. The peacefulness. And the birds.
Even not knowing where I'm going or how long it will take but confident I'll find my way in the end if I keep my sense that the village is always on my right.

And as I walk I think that the road is like my journey now ....very steep and stony in parts but it always comes out on a plateau...with a different view at the top. And always something beautiful to see....something beautiful to be grateful for.


Thursday, 18 October 2018

Some things about today

A shy water lily...taking shelter under a leaf in the fishing lake.

 I'm loving these pink roses still flowering in the front garden...


 always reminding me of Mary Oliver's poem,
Roses, Late Summer
......the last roses have opened their factories of 
sweetness
and are giving it back to the world.
If I had another life 
I would want to spend it all on some
unstinting happiness.


Some things about today...

I'm showered with gifts and hugs and smiles in a small Italian cafe.... pampered with coffee and cakes  and catching up with dear friends.

In Waitrose I buy a pale oak coloured, small round cheese with a smaller round on top of it.... like a fat bottomed bottle with its neck stretched into a smaller fat cork..... a smoked Italian curd cheese called Scamorza Affumicata.
 It's an impulse buy in memory of the few days Robin and I  spent with my niece and her boyfriend ( now husband) in Sardinia..... at least 12 years ago.... and a wonderful picnic we had..... laying out a sarong cloth in a clearing of a forest...  on  a hot dry hillside. 
I can't resist  nibbling slim round slices of it as I  cook my plain rice pasta for supper ...back to bland after  yesterday's veggie feast.


I know you can have an embarrassment of riches.
Can you have and embarrassment of tears....of wailing....of howling?

Tonight 
in my bedroom for one
 that still smells of dog,
only the black flies 
flinging themselves hopelessly 
 against the ceiling 
can hear me.
And the brick walls
soak up the saltiness
of my
dismantled soul.


Wednesday, 17 October 2018

Fuel for my fiery letting go....and only time will tell.

She was sitting on the front gate post this morning and only scuttled off into the hawthorn tree when a noisy tractor rattled past.

I walk with my new camera but it's dismal and  damp. The light is low. The autumn colours are washed out paper white and dead bracken bronze. 







The Calor Gas engineers have finally taken away the old and delivered a new tank. It's smaller and a good clean sage green colour. Makes the old mower garage look even more tatty.
 However I did receive a  £50 compensation gas credit on my bill when I complained to a very nice manager about the endless missed appointment, cancellations  and delays and lack of communication all round which has been going on for the whole time I have been here.

 When I can see it as just  another gift to bring out all my long buried frustration and feelings of powerlessness it somehow takes the sting out of it ...no-one to blame.....just more fuel for my fiery letting go...and healing.


My supper tonight. As my stomach is beginning to feel better I make a sambal of fresh chopped turmeric, chilli ginger, garlic and onion.....stir it into steamed black cabbage, and eat it out of a big bowl along with roasted beetroot and potatoes and a poached egg on top.
So far so good....or maybe a step too far from the bland rice and bananas and mashed potato suppers I've been having. 
Although I was treated to another delicious birthday middle eastern 
 lunch at The Baobab with a dear friend yesterday ....so only time will tell.

" Not too bad ...as we say in English, " to quote my beloved husband.