Monday, 14 August 2017

The Final Goodbye


On Sunday 
they came,
our families
and 
our friends,
the ones who could.


To Robin's
 Tower
on the hill.



And they brought 
a heavenly 
picnic
to share.



He wanted a 
"G&T Affair"
for his memorial
because he 
loved to see 
people
enjoying
 themselves.


Instead 
we raised glasses of
Prosecco 
and 
home made
Pink Elderflower Fizz
 to honour him 
and remember 
the 
beautiful
man 
he 
was.




And 
after we sang for him
 one last time,
it was 
the most
lonely
have 
felt
for 
nine
months.

Wrapped up in 
 the final
witnessed
goodbye
to 
my 
love.


And this is my last blog for a while as I'm off to Fiji  soon with my sisters to spend time with our brother on the other side of the world.

Back in mid- September.











Friday, 11 August 2017

Chaos in my Kitchen


The first fresh sweetcorn has arrived - so early - in the organic farmers' market.
When I'm queuing with my overflowing basket I overhear a man say -
Ah mealies!
So I lean across the carrots and spinach and say,

Ah, you must have an Africa connection..

 We chat  a bit awkwardly, briefly, and it turns out he has worked extensively in Zambia and South Africa....I only say I was born in Zambia but I don't have a chance to wonder if  he might have known my father and when I finish paying he has disappeared.... and I wish I'd been bolder. I'm not very good at taking to people at bus stops ...or in queues....not like my father who would have invited the man to tea in the space of 3 minutes.
'

The messy chaos of my kitchen today...creating lunch for Robin's family tomorrow....and finger food for the picnic on Sunday. The carrot and sweetcorn and walnut burgers were a good idea but they didn't stick together very well...so we may end up with a lot of tasty crumbly bits.



I always have all my recipe books and files out at the same time....getting ideas....trying to remember where it was I read that particular recipe...searching on line.. Sometimes - like today - I plan a whole menu and then get inspired by picture or a dish in a magazine  and change my mind at the last minute....which can be risky and time consuming and can lead to mistakes...I made a whole upside down peach and polenta cake this afternoon and as soon as I put it in the oven I saw the measured jug of olive oil sitting on the counter which I'd neglected to add. Well, I'll find out tomorrow if it's a disaster or not.  There is always ice-cream in the freezer.



I haven't forgotten this weekend isn't about the food. It's is all about remembering Robin.....I just can't   quite imagine how to do it without him... 

Thursday, 10 August 2017

Busy


Today

Busy productive.
Busy tired.
Busy cross.
Just 
too
busy.
And
lost
to 
myself.


Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Bear Footprint





My friend says whenever she drives past the places she used to take her father it makes her smile as she only has happy memories of him now. She says that one day it will be like that for me ....and just the  goodness will remain.
 It's not like that yet. I still go out of my way to avoid driving past the residential home Robin stayed in for a week so that I could have respite. He hated it ...my stomach knots every time with guilt and shame....

Lying on the couch this afternoon in the peaceful room of my lovely crania-sacral healer she asks me to try letting go of my jaw - to let it drop just a bit...to open my mouth just a little ....and to take a breath. I had no idea....even at rest my muscles are coiled tight.
 Just unclenching a few millimetres, breathing a whole breath, brings the tears. She says she can feel the brokenness of my heart in my rib cavity ....the shock of the sudden impact .... the weight of a great wild bear leaving his footprint in my chest. 
She holds my head, my back...softly gently.... and I feel myself knit together a little....loose stitches in tight places.



Today I have been preparing for my visitors arriving at the weekend. And preparing for Robin's memorial picnic on Sunday. I'm busy baking and making food for family ....easier to do that than to breach the barrier.....let in the  true impact of the fact that I will be standing alone..... at the tower on the hill....  Robin's favourite place.....totally surrounded by the circle of our loved  ones....holding my bear footprint in my heart.


Tuesday, 8 August 2017

Shining Curves








My water butt is empty tonight. I'd be scraping the bottom of the barrel to write anything coherent.

So I'll let the shining curves of these smooth Budleigh pebbles filling up the bowl of our old 'water feature' that never worked for long, say it for me.


Monday, 7 August 2017

Cake, Coconut and Rain


More cake this weekend. Coconut Lime and Almond.



Chocolate Almond and Coconut. I'm  possibly overdoing it on the coconut front....and on the sprinkles front...


 This one is to celebrate the birthday of a visiting sweet niece.....eaten with  gorgeous cake forks - a gift from her sister when she lived in Beirut.


And a birthday supper ....Green Beans, Garlic and Tomato, roasted Mediterranean vegetables with  fresh dill and fennel, Beetroot, Carrot, Feta Cheese and Roasted Walnut Burgers -thank you Happy Pear for that recipe - slightly adapted by me of course with the addition of cumin and fresh coriander in place of the cheddar cheese.

We followed it with a Coconut Rice Pudding and a Spiced Plum Compote.

Coconut again but it's such a wonderful substitute if you are reducing dairy products in your diet. And it's also very guilt reducing for me with my addiction to rice pudding.



More rain today.


The garden loves it and it's what I wanted today - to stay quiet at home and come back to myself after  so much recent busyness.


It seems that it rained on this day 7th August 2012 - as my new iPhotos album tells me. 
This picture just popped up on my screen without me looking for it... we were visiting Wells Cathedral....I remember that day well.


Friday, 4 August 2017

How are you TODAY?


Yesterday's supper - hot rice penne pasta and a quorn mince tomato sauce -  is 



today's lunch - cold pasta in a garlicky tahini dressing, hummus and radish sprout salad.


Rather than asking me how I am, it's even better to ask how I am TODAY.....now. A wise friend whose husband died a few years ago taught me that. When she asked me like that it gave me permission to say,
I'm very wobbly today.....I might cry in a minute. But I was quite positive yesterday. 
And who knows how I'll be tomorrow.

I can't sum up how I am generally  - I can't remember anyway - but it helps me to ask myself
How am I now?And now? and now?
  
And then I know what to do. I know whatever it is it won't last .....happy or sad...I'm in constant flux. All of it .....couldn't be any other way.

 So I don't need to be cheerful when I'm not feeling cheerful. I don't need to put on my cheerful mask to protect you - and me - from my pain. Which I don't feel all the time. Just when I do.

Another old habit pattern to notice.



I noticed this busy female blackbird


pecking for grubs in the lawn, which has sprouted mushrooms,



while I was baking chocolate and orange cakes this morning.....


lovely therapy to distract me from all the much more difficult things I have to do.



And now I'm too tired to feel anything....or to write another word.