Yesterday's supper - hot rice penne pasta and a quorn mince tomato sauce - is
today's lunch - cold pasta in a garlicky tahini dressing, hummus and radish sprout salad.
Rather than asking me how I am, it's even better to ask how I am TODAY.....now. A wise friend whose husband died a few years ago taught me that. When she asked me like that it gave me permission to say,
I'm very wobbly today.....I might cry in a minute. But I was quite positive yesterday.
And who knows how I'll be tomorrow.
I can't sum up how I am generally - I can't remember anyway - but it helps me to ask myself
How am I now?And now? and now?
And then I know what to do. I know whatever it is it won't last .....happy or sad...I'm in constant flux. All of it .....couldn't be any other way.
So I don't need to be cheerful when I'm not feeling cheerful. I don't need to put on my cheerful mask to protect you - and me - from my pain. Which I don't feel all the time. Just when I do.
Another old habit pattern to notice.
I noticed this busy female blackbird
pecking for grubs in the lawn, which has sprouted mushrooms,
while I was baking chocolate and orange cakes this morning.....
lovely therapy to distract me from all the much more difficult things I have to do.
And now I'm too tired to feel anything....or to write another word.